#1
Crit4crit ism ism ism ism.

I am certainly no poet. I don't even know what to call this. I haven't written anything for awhile and this just sort of came to me. Any sort of comment would be appreciated, and I will enjoy commenting on your pieces however best I can.
Thank you!


When I met you, you'd just
Bought yourself an anchor.
You told me you needed to be still
After months of drifting, and the
One you've got is heavy enough
To hold you down.

I was jealous of your anchor.
So in my juvenile envy, I bought
Myself a balloon.
I needed something to have fun with,
To take me higher, to content me.
You told me my balloon was pretty,
And I should make it last.

Ah, but your anchor began to rust.
You knew, but you either didn't mind
or pretended not to notice.
I told you you were so Orwellian
Without knowing and lord, I felt clever.
You had no idea what I meant though.

I've still got my balloon, a little deflated
But still in my definite grasp. Like everything
A child uses, it can be thrown away and easily replaced.
The child doesn't like nor accept this.

So you enjoy your inertia,
And I enjoy being high.
My balloon keeps me from below,
And your anchor gets you by.
#2
Hmm.. This was weird.. I'm not sure what to say actually.

I like the idea and the concept. But to me this seems like it's a little.. letter? Not exactly, but it's the closes I could think of. A letter, where you've split up the lines in weird places.

Gah.. This is hard. You know what, I'm very tired right now - I'll come back tomorrow and hopefully I can gather my minds, and give you some better critism!

So for now; there is potential in this. Try and work on it

Meanwhile, I'd really appreciate if you could check out mine, if you had the time:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1437145

Thanks! And keep on going!
#3
I really like the concept of the piece, but the execution doesn't stick solidly throughout the whole thing. I love the ending lines, it seems to give the image that you were attempting to convey with the entire piece but the flow and wording of the piece doesn't do justice to the ending. I really liked the "Orwellian" stanza though! It's a hit or miss piece for me, but as I said I really like the idea!
#4
I thought this was in interesting little piece. I don't know if you were being 100% serious with it or not, it seems like you were just messing around and having fun with it. It doesn't have a great flow to it, the begining and end were good but the middle kinda died. I also enjoyed the "orwellian" line, I thought it was kinda funny lol. But I also agree it has potential if yhou wanted to work on it more. And I'm sure I would really enjoy it if you did =D

So if you would be so kind as to crit my piece please?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=27127183#post27127183
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

XD epic win