#1
Not sure how I feel about this one, but would like some criticism so I can improve it, thanks.


Beautiful, majestic, and most importantly,
innocent- soulful beings,
wanting no more then to find,
without human interference,
simple food and water for today.
We lock them up.
Much like convicted serial killer rapists.
The only difference is, for a small fee, we,
humans, can witness and humiliatingly poke at,
these broken souls all day, everyday.
While as for criminals, we pay debt-rageous
fees, to keep locked up, fed
and most importantly, out of sight and mind.

I ask, would we lock up Mother theresa? Jesus?
The Virgin Mary, and even GOD?
If we could physically sedate, leash, and fence them in.
So that we may tap on the glass hoping to catch
thier eye, voicing our excitement
in ooohs and aaaahs with playful laughter.
I bet we would try extracting the semen from GOD
to inpregnate the Virgin Mary while shes higher then any heaven
on our so called miracle drugs, just to open another exhibit
to bring more money and power through the gates.
I say we would do exactly that if we could,
some say,
its already been done.
Last edited by CarnivalBeam at May 4, 2011,
#2
Let me first be a bit nit-picking. In the third line, you write "then" - It's "than":P Sorry. I'm just annoying like that.

Anyway, on the actual poem. Please note though, I am still quite inexperienced myself, so consider this critique as reader-feedback, not poet-feedback.

My first impression of this, was that the way it was structured(In a few small parts) reminded me of a speech, not a poem.
This may be the length of lines, the sentences, or just a matter of taste/opinion. This:
"The only difference is, for a small fee, we,
humans, can witness and humiliatingly poke at, "

Maybe remove "for a small fee"? I don't know. It just seems a tad too complicated in my opinion

Your rhetorical questions are very good! I like how you just slam us in the face in the second verse.

Well.. I'm not the best person to criticize, so I'm just going to stop here.

Good job!



If you had a minute, I'd appreciate if you'd check out this:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1437145

Thanks! And keep on writing!
#3
Hey no, thanks for your feedback, I myself am a long ways away from being a poet, I just like to write. I will re-read it and try to rework the line you pointed out sometime tomorrow when I have a fresher mind on the subject. Thanks again.
#4
the last paragraph is a little muddled, and god in all caps seems excessive. capital C should be enough.
I want Super Saiyan abilities