#1
read the alleged skitso thread. the piece led me here.....


some days I imagine God
as a man with infinite eyes
simultaneously experiencing infinite lives

he doesn't have time to say hello
he doesn't know time

he loves you though
he was you once
for all we know he will be again
and again until
you are him
which would make you me
so tell me who wrote this immeasurable dream?
life is the freckle
you saw on your screen
in the top right corner
between reels 2 and 3
a fraction of a fraction of a number that doesn't exist

some days I imagine God
most days I am
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#2
This is clever. "He doesn't have time to say hello" I found amusing in particular.

I wish you had expanded on the idea of you being god, and strengthened the connection between that idea and the smallness of someone's life in comparison to the universe. Or a TV screen. Because of the disconnection and the big jump to you being god(although you did mention it in that tornado of you me and hims in the beginning of the second stanza, it wasn't elaborated on), it seems kind of haphazard. I think there should be elaboration as well on the significance of you imagining god sometimes and being him sometimes.

What I'm really trying to say is that it looks like you have a bunch of pieces here that just need to be welded together. Unless you were trying to go for that because of the schizo theme, then good job.


Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
I jumped from thought to thought with little explanation because I was going for that vibe, but I probably will write some companion pieces. this has been a topic I feared to touch in depth in my writing, there's much to be said.

thanks for the crit, good to hear from a writer I really respect around here
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at May 3, 2011,
#5
I feel like there's a few lines you could trim out, make it more concise and powerful. As is, it's sort of a jumble of words with a general idea in mind. There's quite a few clever lines here, but they don't seem to fit together, at least not yet.
#7
caught the attention of three of my favorite people around these parts. radical. thanks for the feedback.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#8
hmm, well thanks for the appreciation. I'd say this has potential to turn into a philosophical piece on life. But other then that i dont have any real criticism, nothing I would change, tho as stated above, trying to add to it seems like a worthwhile endeavor. Wish I had something more to say, but I dont, I like it the way it is. that being said if you have a chance, could you read something of mine, and possibluy leave a yay or nay at the least considering i couldnt offer much help to you Im not expecting much in return.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/search.php?searchid=7054001