#1
I am going to come back to this and make changes, any advice will be appreciated.

There are demons to slay
Keep fighting our way
To destroy the heart
The most important part
Daylight won't last
While we run from our past
With monsters that cry
And demons that die

Don't die on me
I can hardly see

My pulse matches the lightning
Of a hell that's so frightening
What would it take
For our souls to awake
There is no star that shine's
On our demonic shrines
Oblivion is what we found
With silence around
Our dying breathe

I'm not ready to say goodbye
Without a proper reason why
Tell me your last word
Of this truth so absurd
With monsters that cry
And demons that die
Who will be left to tell
Of our descent into hell

Don't die on me
I cannot see

My pulse matches the lightning
Of a hell that's so frightening
What would it take
For our souls to awake
There is no star that shine's
On our demonic shrines
Oblivion is what we found
With silence around
Our dying breathe

I witnessed a theft
My chest with no heart left
Our eyes drain into the street
While my pride knows defeat
There are demons to resist
It doesn't mean that god exists

Monsters can cry too
You would be surprised
That monsters can cry too

Don't die on me
Don't die on me
Don't die on me...
"Remember, remember the 5th of November. The gunpowder, treason and plot. I know of no good reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot"
Last edited by Commandodan at May 4, 2011,
#2

There are demons to slay
Keep fighting our way
To destroy the heart
The most important part
Daylight won't last
While we run from our past
With monsters that cry
And demons that die

Opening's a little disjointed, there's no inherent flow except for the rhyme scheme.
I think it sets up the main problem of the piece, which is that you seemed to mainly just look for rhyming words and work with whatever sounded best afterwards. Too many ideas, not enough connection between them.

Don't die on me
I can hardly see

Don't know if this was fitting of its own stanza. It's extremely ambiguous, and the two ideas seem to be completely random and independent of each other.

My pulse matches the lightening
Of a hell that's so frightening
What would it take
For our souls to awake
There is no star that shines
On our demonic shrines
Oblivion is what we found
With silence around
Our dying breath

Fixed grammar and spelling mistakes. If I am to understand this stanza correctly, you misused the word "lightening." It means to make less severe. I believe the word you want is lighting, or lightning. Either would be more adequate.
This stanza has a bit more holding it together, still, your message is unclear. Aside from the fact that you and someone else are in hell.

I'm not ready to say goodbye
Without a proper reason why
Tell me your last word
Of this truth so absurd
With monsters that cry
And demons that die
Who will be left to tell
Of our descent into hell

What truth? What monsters are you talking about? Why are demons dying? Didn't you say that you were the ones with the demonic shrines? Again, I think you're suffering from "cool" "dark" imagery, coupled with simple rhyming and building the sentence backwards from there.

I witnessed a theft
My chest with no heart left
Our eyes drain into the street
While my pride knows defeat
There are demons to resist
It doesn't mean that god exists

I think this is probably the best stanza in the piece. With a little rewording, the first two lines would be really great. Just work out the kinks and it would flow better.
The last two lines also are pretty good. Find a rhythm and stick with, the first one's a bit too short.

Monsters can cry too
You would be surprised
That monsters can cry too

What are you even talking about here?

Don't die on me
Don't die on me
Don't die on me...

I thought you were already dead? Or did you end up in Hell by some other means?

In summation, the piece suffered heavily from a simple, stale rhyme scheme. An inconsistent rhythm made it harder to follow, and given the rhyme scheme, a stable rhythm is rather appropriate. The imagery was nothing new, just as I said earlier, "dark" stuff about hell and demons. None of it ever seemed to mean anything though, and it really felt hollow. This needs a bit of work.
#3
Thanks your criticism. The basic story is two friends dying together caught halfway between hell and earth trying to make sense of what has and is happening. Hopefully this makes the ending have more meaning, As with most music it can be up for a different interpretation. This was roughly written which is why i have come back to it. Thanks again for your input.
"Remember, remember the 5th of November. The gunpowder, treason and plot. I know of no good reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot"
#4
Alright, that's what I was getting from it by the end. Either that or you were losing a loved one, and you were on your way down to Hell to save their soul. Good premise, it just needs to be flushed out and developed.