#1
Carbon dialogues
at the other side of the road,
like a glacier spillage;
so patronising in nature
that the sun has since been blackwashed as snow.
“Do I know you?” was the first declamation -
the second: “YEP YEP YEP - WHAT IT DO!”

(Right now) I can’t withstand
the unscathed shawties
that keep parading their rights
near the outskirt of my farm
(but it wasn't the great depression - last time I checked.)
I can’t escape; my driver’s licence
is under siege (or maybe I just can’t afford one?)
I'm black - touch wood!

On this occasion
I will run away with sincerity,
‘til the last soliloquy has been spoken:
“This is the end of the line, Nigger!”
Last edited by Bleed Away at May 7, 2011,
#2
I like this. I don't have much else to say, but I want to let you know that I like this.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
I love the mixture of elegant phrasing and colloquialisms. I think it's pretty much impossible for me to relate to the content of this but I wanted to say that I thought it was very well-written.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
Quote by Bleed Away
Carbon dialogues
at the other side of the road,
like a glacier spillage;
so patronising in nature
that the sun has since been backblack?washed as snow.
“Do I know you?” was the first declamation -
the second: “YEP YEP YEP - WHAT IT DO!”

This was alright, I've definitely read this style of writing before and I find it somewhat tiring. It ends up reading awfully because any sort of slam-style poetry is meant to be heard. It's less technical and more reliant on the emotional performance. Which is why I partially don't like it, if your writing has to have a crutch to stand on it ultimately becomes more about the performance than what is written. So there's that. Overall though, the writing here is about typical for some sort of slam thing, it's got the nice, diction of a quasi-okay poem but the colloquialisms of modern slang-a-lang-a-ding-dong. It's gimmicky I feel.

(Right now) I can’t withstand
the unscathed shawties
that keep parading their rights
near the outskirt of my farm
(but it wasn't the great depression - last time I checked.)
I can’t escape; my driver’s licence
is under siege (or maybe I just can’t afford one?)
I'm black - touch wood!

On this occasion
I will run away with sincerity,
‘til the last soliloquy has been spoken:
“This is the end of the line, Nigger!”


Yeah, I didn't like it, but I'm sure people will. It has more to do with my personal preference rather than technical disagreements I have with it. Technically it does what it is supposed to do, but personally I think it's a bit pointless in style and comes off more as an excessive freewrite. Nothing I could suggest would make it better or worse, just different.

Just know that I wasn't a fan partially due to the style of writing, I find it lacking something, what though is up in the air.

Here's mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1436001
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