#1
When I was young
I was taught to believe
In all of these christian-book philosophies
that even our teacheres struggle so hard to understand
well, all of these people have good things to say
that obviously have been taken the wrong way
and we'll all surely feel the reprecussions of it someday

why is paying attention
so ****ing hard
empathy shot through the chest
by an arrow from god
why do you got to have words to believe anything
when loving your neighbor is something you feel in your heart

most of the people out here
are easily decieved
when fear and gunfire bring us to our knees
so quick to cling to ideas of things we'll never know
emotions through words and their so damn hollow
following faith with nothing to show for it
don't worry, they'll find their way
to each their own

what is it about your enemy
you don't understand
we all share the same misery
deep in the heart of man
why do you got to have words to believe anything
why don't you open your eyes, and do what you can.

Demo of the song is also on my profile. If you would like to listen.
So... Jeff Lynne is still making music.. all is well.

Check out my Ebook!: Yogi Jam!
#2
I appreciate and can relate to the main philosophy you posed here. I do think, though, that you failed to execute it in the right way.

The opening verse had a very conversational and tired, almost rant-like vibe to it. Then the following verse (chorus?) did a fine job of encapsulating the core thougths into one well-structured and almost perfect stanza. My only qualm was the swearing. What did it achieve but make the piece look unattractive to the eye?

But I wasn't striken by the third stanza. The line "when fear and gunfire bring us to our knees" almost ruined the entire piece for me. You don't need to bring in gunfire or fear or anything dramatic like that. I was always taught that we should write about what we have experienced ourselves. Most people don't understand that and just go wild. Wild is good, but only when wild is the point. Your point was the opposite to wild. Your point was 'calm'.

The final chorus/verse was decent, but, again, it really shouldn't have hit so many cliched heart strings. I didn't want to be shown a drama or a writer scowling at his page as he writes his memoires of anger and frustration; I want you to make me feel anger myself. You didn't do that. All you did was tell us your opinion that we all are the same and should respect each other

I thought similarly - and still do to a certain degree. I was gullible enough to believe that humans can look after themselves if we all just looked at each other as equals and put ourselves in each others' shoes. Well, sadly we're not like that. Millions of humans around the world today cannot understand what others think and do not care to. In the end we will never learn, by ourselves, to get along.

I would have prefered to have seen more of that by the conclusion - it started with a tired rant that should have turned into an exhuasted but honorable effort to press people's minds into believing we can do better as a race. You didn't do that, though.
#3
Why don't you open your eyes and do what you can isn't considered an honorable effort to cure your own ignorance and appreciate and help the world around you?
So... Jeff Lynne is still making music.. all is well.

Check out my Ebook!: Yogi Jam!
#5
"I would have prefered to have seen more of that by the conclusion - it started with a tired rant that should have turned into an exhuasted but honorable effort to press people's minds into believing we can do better as a race. You didn't do that, though."

I thought it did end in an honorable effort to press people's minds into believing we can do better as a race. You said I didn't do that when I felt I did. That is what I said... Anyway, I wrote another, maybe you will like it better.

It's called Hope, It declines.

i feel it's been a long time
sicne you been around
since you been around
hope your safe and sound
under your window
looking up at the sky
out into space
with that gleam in your eye
i wonder why
the world doesn't notice
there are people like you
there are people like me
that understand
when something is colored
differently from the past
i hope it will last
'til the end of time
when the last grain of sand
hits the top of the hour glass
you will be there too
our feet on the ground
and we'll laugh at the world as it drowns
in fear and loathing
falling out of it's prime
as the last little shadow
of hope declines
hope, it declines

you
you never cared
when i was stumbling
headed nowhere
but down the road to the county jail
it never fails
and then comes tomorrow
when i see you smile
in mercy in grace
and i know it's sorry
that i never tried
hard enough to matter
but we have our lives
let's make them count
if you take my hand and believe
there's no doubt in my mind
we'll forget the past
watching the children play
falling out of our prime
as the last little shadow of hope declines

song is about to be posted on my profile, i hope you like this one because i almost started crying while i was singing it. lulz
So... Jeff Lynne is still making music.. all is well.

Check out my Ebook!: Yogi Jam!
Last edited by BlakeAlan at May 11, 2011,
#6
To me, honour is not blindly telling someone what should be the case. Humility and open-mindedness plays a role. I'm not saying the piece wasn't humble, I'm saying it was a little too willing and commanding for a topic and opinion that I personally feel is debatable. Anyway, I did enjoy it. I probably should have said that more.

Post the new piece in a second thread.