we can see it now
as a ship's weary crew
spots land off the storm-beaten bow
we know there's nothing worth holding
that is our own

we breathed deeply
like someone shaken awake from sleeping
and one day we said
why worry about what will die with me?
and one day we ran away

we left it all
we left the life we were leading
i'll keep running until these streets forget me
and i'll leave behind the life i so despise

we tuck our tails and look low
like strays brought in from rain
we survived in the streets we roamed
we know it was worth nothing
We're only strays.
The lack of consistency here is mind-boggling. Thematically it's disjointed and even the tenses are all fudged up.

I don't even know what you're saying, it's so vague visually and with the word choice. You never hint at anything, no specifics. This could be about literally anything.

You seriously start with:

"we can see IT now..."

Wait, what? What is it? Hope? A wizard? It could be a Zeppelin piloted by William H. Macy, who the fuck knows! It's a puzzle wrapped up in amateur poetry my friend and the only thing that will make you a better writer (because this piece is....a learning experience) is to read and experience life.

Being vague means you don't know what you're talking about, and when you don't know, you find out and you learn.

Hope this helped.


Here's mine: