#1
[There is a (n obvious, I'd hope) Time lapse between each stanza, I've tried to keep it short, as I tend to ramble on when I get into too many words, anyway Crit appreciated]
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
Last edited by Mr.Pink101 at May 5, 2011,
#2
Quote by Mr.Pink101
Twisted metal serves as a reminder
of even one's best laid plans
A life cut short by one mistake
And there the reaper stands

Car wreck, got it. Didn't like the whole best laid plans thing. I don't know, rarely when I go out driving is it a culmination of well thought out planning and course-mapping. I'll run with this though.

As the light of life begins to fade
his eyes are growing dim
the paramedics are en-route;
Too late to rescue him

Dude dies, alright. Your progression is pretty solid and nothing is forced, let's keep it coming.

Hearts drop and shatter on the floor
The sight of blue and white outside
the strongest man he ever knew
collapsed, broke down and cried

Eh? the lack of punctuation here is confusing and I'm not entirely sure who we're talking about. Strongest man he ever knew? Who is he? Who is this strong man? Which one just died en-route to the hospital. Getting a bit Taratino-esque here, let's tone down the plot and focus on something detail specific.

Bereaved and broken, hollow shells
The family he'd left behind
An epitath on polished stone
Reads: "Taken before his time"

Rhyming has been officially abandoned. Someone got lazy. Behind and Time, pretty big stretch even for a slant rhyme. Still dwelling on the death, getting a bit bored.

Live each day as if it's your last,
It just might be.

Did you get this off of a No Limits shirt? It's a bit cheesy in all honesty. Guy dies in a car wreck, mysterious strong man is there crying (perhaps a dad?) and then you throw in a weird psuedo-message. Maybe the guy died because he was living each day like his last. Hell, if the world ended tomorrow I wouldn't give two shits about speed limits, **** it. So yeah, the philosophy behind this piece is ass-backwards, but in all fairness the story was told responsibily and you had a good mind not to throw in some melodramatic tripe or something, so yeah. Legitimately the most pleasant thing I've read today although, I won't lie, that isn't saying much.[There is a (n obvious, I'd hope) Time lapse between each stanza, I've tried to keep it short, as I tend to ramble on when I get into too many words, anyway Crit appreciated]


thanks buddy
-matthew

here's mine
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1436001
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic