#1
I had to write two 14 line poems about death here they are:
give any advice you can think of thanks.

the bold lines are the ones I'm not too happy with.

#1
Death is a natural part of life.
Rejoice for those around you who part our world.
Mourn them do not.
Miss them, do not.
Be happy for the ones that are still here.
Make each time with them unforgettable.
Accept the fact you will loose many people close to you,
And you will eventually lose yourself.
Have no emotion to keep your peace.
Be serene to stay calm and strong.
Be prepared for death.
Brace yourself for lose.
Death, there is not.
Death, turns into life.

#2
Death is a shadow
Waiting for us to come near.
We cannot see him
But we know he is near
He follows you where ever you go
Waiting to strike in minutes or in years.
He can strike in years if you get an illness
He can strike in minutes if you get hit by a bus.
His face we cannot see
But his existence we know is real.
We can try to hide from him
But he can see our every move
Death has no emotion, has no sympathy
He is death, he is near.
I play guitar.
#2
the first poem kinda sounds like yoda when anakin talks to him about his dreams... poem one one is a giant star wars reference LOL
#3
Quote by Grassyknolls
the first poem kinda sounds like yoda when anakin talks to him about his dreams... poem one one is a giant star wars reference LOL


yea master yoda inspired me to right that poem.
I play guitar.
#4
i think i've heard the start to the second one before :S
and "He can strike in minutes if you get hit by a bus." made me laugh, more than it should have :L and it doesn't fit with the pattern, and doesn't rhyme with years.
just change "He can strike in years if you get an illness ,He can strike in minutes if you get hit by a bus." and the second one will be very good
#5
You need to vary your vocabulary more, the second poem had the word 'near' far to many times. Also, they both make sense, but they don't seem to actually mean anything. The come across as incoherent lists of what death is and how we cope with it, rather than insights into a viewpoint, which is what a poem should be. I'd also recommend varying the syntax. Add some enjambment (sentence carrying on across two or more lines) as it'll help prevent the list feeling to it, and try to actually mean something with every line. An example would be

'Death, there is not.
Death, turns into life.

These two sentences - and, to be blunt, many of the others in the poem - do not seem to link to the rest of the poem, and frankly, are nonsensical. Death does not turn into life, or at least your poem gives no indication as to how. If you were being very fatalistic and metaphysical you could argue that our bodies decompose and bring nourishment and life to scavengers and detritus feeders, but as you make no reference to anything like this it doesn't really make sense.

Sorry to be blunt, I've kind of learnt to be so with the English course I do at college. However, you don't have to listen to everything I say, just my $0.02. Good luck.
...Stapling helium to penguins since 1949.
#6
death doom teaches us to use a thesaurus in these situations

Death is a shadow
Forbearingly abiding
Death is proximal
Wraithlike to us
Last edited by funeralllllllll at May 11, 2011,