#1
Some quasi-miricle await for the peppermints,
cash candy altitudes, sail for your holiday,
hang where you want to hang play,
looking around for some force tiny spectacles,
loving with memory, hard on your holiday,
looking for innocence or just a little more more kick,
honking at passersby and hanging an elephant,
await for your silver star Porsche shiny overarm,
hanging it up and amusing with radios,
under the floorboards and keeping low profiles,
hang tiny fish in a bin like sardines in a tin box.
wait for the memories of side streets and alleyways,
honking a fresh one and looking to see them jump,
wait for your memories and hang for the hollow way,
sliding on slipping down slip and slides in alleyways,
waiting on the first time you’ve got nothing there to fight for,
sliding down slipping down soft chocolate milky ways,
are you an infant with fat plump red cheeks that begs for a radio?
learn from your chokes and don’t swallow toothpicks,
loving by memory your muscles colloquially,
learning by doing by sweet muscle memory,
hung from the banister big big red barn shed,
climbing on elephants and learning a trick or two,
is it that Fred’s back or did the light not turn on?,
hang from your holiday offset the Spanish way,
learning on out that thinking is reckoning.
oh how insouciantly,
there is a place for you in my heart,
there is a place where you wanted to go,
oh how innocently,
grab you by the back of your hair and pull down,
your eyes look the same as when you were a revolutionary,
I padded you up and then pushed you to the snow,
oh I’m watching, that what was taken from me and its performance rate,
loving by memory, hanging for luxury.
I take the place where you were wanted to go,
sound of your footsteps as you trotted the brow,
this waits, and sets just one foot in by beating the blow,
curl up by campfires, live with your memories,
say it’s the highways fault it took us to abattoirs,
loving you leaving me and loving you here with me,
the cellar door cracked open,
where they store homemade canned goods,
and there’s a ship in the corner of the red painted floor room
with all the spiderwebs,
soaking on gasoline, luck tracked me down,
I went to get cigarettes and stopped at the alleyway,
there is a business that sells broken radios,
I am the infant with big red kid fat plump cheeks,
this is a serious wake up call to the president,
you are not there without this in your atmosphere.
I have a radio that makes the room awash,
I have to tell it in six weeks or they keep the key,
I am not a hologram,
I am the infant that kicks at the buzzing bee,
learn in an alleyway hostile with lighter friends,
I wait by memory and have it on back roads,
soft unsturday and looking for a little kick,
there is a large place where you wait in the rain,
how are you (are you) a little bit pricked and indignant?,
you wait for your memory and hide through the cellar door,
curled by a campfire and begging for more,
I wait for memory that blows up inside me,
floorboards crack underneath fresh polished bootlaces.
there is a place where you blow apart,
and sprinkle yourself on the fresh little daisies,
and I can’t take it if you blow apart.
Last edited by parkt921k at May 5, 2011,
#4
Im not sure what to say about this... I read it, some lines I liked, other I read and re-read and still cant understand. I will have to come back to this and read it a third time. but for now, I noticed what I think to be a few silly typos, or they could be purposeful for emphasis or something but again I dont fully understand it. But...

looking for innocence or just a little more more kick,
hung from the banister big big red barn shed,

and I think I saw another that I cant seem to locate at the moment.

I wish I had more valuable input, but hopefully this will bump you to the top where some others here can dissect it better then I have. Will be back.
#5
I thought it was quite wonderful. It is certainly something that many will find enigmatic, but nonetheless, it's a very powerful piece of prose.

Starting off broad, I imagine that the general message of the piece is about the decadence around holiday season which I would imagine flows into the broader theme of hypocrisy that our society flaunts as a way to make up for the emptiness we feel. That could be an oversimplification, and if it is, I apologize.

The one thing that I would really wish you would do is break the prose down into stanzas to make it more readable and to make the individual claims and ideas clearer.

Some quasi-miricle await for the peppermints,
cash candy altitudes, sail for your holiday,
hang where you want to hang play,
looking around for some force tiny spectacles,
loving with memory, hard on your holiday,
looking for innocence or just a little more more kick


Very good first lines.

are you an infant with fat plump red cheeks that begs for a radio?
learn from your chokes and don’t swallow toothpicks,
loving by memory your muscles colloquially,
learning by doing by sweet muscle memory,


I love this section. I don't like the words fat and plump in the first lines, but I suppose it serves a rather important descriptive purpose for the piece. The rhythm of the last two lines together flow really well but not in an overly rhyming cliche.

grab you by the back of your hair and pull down,
your eyes look the same as when you were a revolutionary,
I padded you up and then pushed you to the snow,
oh I’m watching, that what was taken from me and its performance rate,
loving by memory, hanging for luxury.


Very nice section. The second line is my favorite, something about the contradictory nature of "being" (as in past-tense) a revolutionary instead of maintaining one's resolve into the presence. The last line is very nice, reminds me of a Lydia song: "Fools and Luxury"

All in all though, there isn't much you can do to make a piece like this "better", just different. It's of good quality. Well thought out. Yes it is cryptic, but that's the nature of the piece and it lends itself in the word choice, so it's well represented, all in all. The only thing I can suggest is to add some stanza breaks in here and there if you can do so without sacrificing the flow of the piece because I realize that this is all supposed to come across as a flowofthought kind of thing.

Well done though. Thank you kindly for your critique as well.

We should stay in collaboration.
GEAR
Epiphone SG-400
Marshall 1987 JCM-800 2210 100W

Proud Member of:
The SG Owners Unite
Marshall Amplification
EHX Users Guild

The True Eccentric Tea Drinking Appreciation Preservation Society