I tried to call his phone, the bastard wasn’t home
But the ghosts inside my skull, well they’re eating at my soul
And they wanna hear you scream
And they wanna watch you bleed
And they’d pay to see you die but you don’t let em see you cry
Cause you’re a man and that’s not right

Darkened eyes, and dirt stained cheeks
Puff out your chest when you are talking to me
‘Cause you’re a big man, oh you’re a big man and you gotta let ‘em see
That the words that you could somehow write
Might one day have more meaning than some ink that you’ve got sprawled across your sides
Cause you’re a big man, but you still got a little pride

Brothers, sisters, mothers, misters, father missed his baby grow so wise
Cause he made bad decisions in his life, so now I pay for it with mine
But don’t you harbor hate, don’t let his death consume your living mind
Yeah you’ll have time, kid once you’re dead to think of everything you didn’t do in life

Yeah, but they wanna hear me scream
And they wanna watch me bleed
And I’m spilling my insides to feed these torturous desires
Because everyone’s a liar
And I’m lying on my fires
And everyone I try to be
Just curls up deep inside of me
And fills my eager, impetus desire

To set fire to my bones
To break the windows in my home
And scream until my lungs explode
Till every room is filled with smoke
And everyone I know (everyone I know)
Well they are fighting with a ghost (well they are fighting with a ghost)
So I’ll haunt someone elses life and lose my ever living mind
But god damn, I’ll miss you when I die
I really like this. The rhythm works, as does the structure. The imagery throughout the song remains fairly consistent, while still varied enough to hold the listener's interest. I find the message/narrative slightly confusing but that allows the listener to apply their own interpretation, which can be a very good thing. You use a lot of eye-rhymes which, I think, works really well as it avoids the usual, cliched, obvious rhymes. It really does work well.

My piece, if you want to have a look at it: