#1
she wants some honest feedback- I would appreciate some critiques

SKIPPING

I drove along the same street
sun blinded my eyes
the girls were skipping
someone has died today in a car accident
-just down the road
the girls were skipping
a father left for another wife
the girls were skipping
she lies in a rotted house and
eats cat food
the girls were skipping
they shot a bird
the girls were skipping
I tried to kill myself
the girls were skipping
no one knows the agony of life
the girls were skipping
-its that simple.
#2
I'm no expert, but I really like the use of repetition and contrast between depression and happiness. I think the repetition should be more consistent as in the spaces between the lines (At some points they are every 2 lines, otherwise they're every other line).

I'm not sure if this is intended as poetry or just a song, but I think the structure of the piece should be better organized. For example, no periods are used to separate the lines, when I think it would be ideal to cut them up to highlight the contrast. Also, if the lines when it says "the girls were skipping" are to be indented to the right to separate them from the rest of the passage, the contrast would be further emphasized.

Finally, I don't understand what is intended by the line "they shot a bird".

Overall, it's a nice idea, but need some development, I'm not an expert so I can't really help you.

Good luck.
#3
I'm not sure if this was the intent but I really liked how the line "the girls were skipping" transformed into this image of childhood happiness and innocence into one that's haunting and foreboding. It completely flipped itself and it added another dimension to the piece for me. The whole thing was quite haunting.

I wasn't a fan of "a father left for another wife" because I think it could be phrased better. I think it's an important idea that should be kept but also reworded. Finally, for me personally I didn't like how the "girls skipping" line was repeated every other line at the end of the poem. It was a little too much for me. I thought the line hit harder after every two lines because it had a little time to breathe. Just my opinion though.

I liked this overall for the feeling that it left me with after reading
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
Ryan said almost everything that I wanted to say. But to embellish on the repetition of the "girls skipping" point that was brought up, I think I can see why it was, later in the poem, used every other line instead of after every two. But it really only needs the last fours lines to have two repetitions in my opinion.

The emphasis on the last five lines were well-placed, as it helped the conclusion be as aggressive and striking as possible. So, instead of wasting that added attention with the repetitions (by employing them after the fifth line or so) she could skip one line only nearer the conclusion to accent the tension right where you need it - at the end.


I drove along the same street
sun blinded my eyes
If I were to be very picky, I would say that, "I drove along the same street/sun blinded my eyes" is a little cumbersome to the ears and to the eyes. I don't know how you could reword it as I'm not very good with that type of thing at all, but it seems that a few other lines could do with it, too. Maybe all it needs is a little punctuation to add pace and flow.
the girls were skipping
someone has died today in a car accident
If this was the conclusion to a running and fluid motion then it would be perfect. But since it has quite a staccato musicality to it, I feel it reads too lengthly. Maybe she could take out "car" and just use say 'accident'.
-just down the road
The dash isn't really necessary in my opinion as it slows down the reader suddenly for seemingly no reason. Again, it relates back to my previous comment about how the line was quite long and failed to hit a crescendo.
the girls were skipping
a father left for another wife
Ryan already pointed out what I would have said here. It's an honest and full expression but maybe it could do with a rewording.
the girls were skipping
she lies in a rotted house and
eats cat food
I would have prefered the "and" to be on the next line. I generally always do so it could be a personal point rather than a technical one. Speaking of which, most of what I'm saying isn't born from a knowledgeable writer of any sort. I have had experience with writing for about five years, but I don't know very many techniques, and I can't offer anything other than what I am doing now - an opinion, so it will need salt.
the girls were skipping
they shot a bird
the girls were skipping
I tried to kill myself
I really like how this line remembers the one before and follows suit with the death imagery. Again, the build up is very well done. But it never actually becomes cheesy or overly dramatic. It remains as very dark, dry, and sadistic in tone, and I appreciate that in a piece. Instead of forcing the reader to wilt away in over-dramatics, we are gradually allowed to feel broken and very sad, simply because it holds back from any extravagances and just tells it how it is.
the girls were skipping
no one knows the agony of life
the girls were skipping
-its that simple.
I really liked the dash here. It suited perfectly.

I really liked this poem a lot. I'd like to suggest it for the Newbies column if that would be okay? It doesn't matter if she's not a member. It just would be nice.
#5
No matter how much heartache the world feels, there will always be girls skipping. Thoroughly digested and enjoyed, thank you. I'm not going to tear apart dashes and punctuation, lifes to short to stall in the ridiculous innacuracies. Poetry paints a bigger picture. A brief comment on my piece "in route to a working summer" would be appreciated Sticky.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror