#1
Outside I hear them calling, damned voices on the wind.
Their shrieking cries echo in the night.
Sending cold tendrils of fear down my spine.

Making my hands tremble.
Making my breath disassemble.
I can hardly breath through all this fright.

My heart races like a horse on the track, leaving dust in its wake.
I must calm it down, else my soul it will take.
So as the sun sets I count to three and try to close my eyes

One.

Two..

Three...

The voices are gone
The wind is calm
All is sublime and serene

Yet though the sun has left the sky,
I find I cannot close my eyes
Because it is now that I realize
the cries came from within me.
#2
There's quite a common saying, and it goes "Show, not tell."

You do a pretty good job of it in some places, like the horse simile in the third stanza, but work on it a little more.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Thank you. I'm not proud of what I wrote. But I'll definitely work harder. Believe it or not I haven't heard of 'show, not tell' before. I'm looking into it right now and i think its going to help a bunch.
#4
Nice work.Just one thing, try to chance the last lyrics -the cries came from within me-.I don't think you need to point that out; it makes the reader/listener get the message too quickly thus making the lyrics less enigmatic.You want to make the reader think more about them
Other than that, great job.Keep it up! It's not like I'm better.