#1
Experimenting a bit with needlessly complex rhyme schemes. Enjoy!


Upheaval Slow in Coming

This place is no good for us,
don’t you see?
The scars run deeper, and
the diversions come cheaper
than ever.
My ears are humming, and
there is a change coming.

Moments bleed together in this toil,
this slavery which grinds us into the soil.
This place is no good for us.

A change is on its way, just
wait and see.
The doors that were shut now
begin to open, slow but
how sweet.
My heart is drumming, and
there is a change coming.

Moments bleed together in this toil,
this slavery which grinds us into the soil.
This place is no good for us.

No sound carries in these halls,
nothing grows within these walls.

We’ll crush this system into dust,
you and me.
The sky is overcast
shutting its eyes against
the last war.
The stillness is numbing, but
there is a change coming.

An upheaval slow in coming,
but coming nonetheless.
#2
Quote by Jappalenos



Upheaval Slow in Coming

This place is no good for us,
don’t you see?
The scars run deeper, and
the diversions come cheaper
than ever.
My ears are humming, and
there is a change coming.
-Alright, so here you've set something up. Change is coming, there are scars, you are somewhere you don't want to be. So this is alright.

Moments bleed together in this toil,
this slavery which grinds us into the soil.
This place is no good for us.
So you're continuing with the idea of being stuck in this place. Alright so far.

A change is on its way, just
wait and see.
The doors that were shut now
begin to open, slow but
how sweet.
My heart is drumming, and
there is a change coming.
And still talking about the change. Here we start to have some issues (see below the quote box, I'll explain what I'm on about).


Moments bleed together in this toil,
this slavery which grinds us into the soil.
This place is no good for us.
And again with the place.

No sound carries in these halls,
nothing grows within these walls.
I'm interested in where this is coming from. If you are going to jump to a new image like this, you need to spend some time with it. Everything needs to have purpose, and since you don't connect this to anything else you've said in any way, these two lines don't have that purpose.

We’ll crush this system into dust,
you and me.
The sky is overcast
shutting its eyes against
the last war.
The stillness is numbing, but
there is a change coming.
And again with the change.

An upheaval slow in coming,
but coming nonetheless.


The main problem with this is that the whole piece you only really say two things. You say you are in this place that's not good, and that something is going to change. That's so vague and faceless that it's impossible to get anything out of it. You essentially repeat yourself the whole entire song/poem. There's no development of any idea here. I illustrated with the red comments under the individual stanzas: You develop that idea in the first part and then just repeat it over and over.

The thing about lyrics and poetry is that what makes it great is economy. Every single word, every single thought has a purpose and a place. Here there is no economy. Make every single phrase count. There's no need to repeat the same idea over and over and over, and before you know it, you're at the end and you've only said one very vague thing.

Next time you write something, work on this. Work on developing an idea and having a sort of progression to the piece, and work on making every single word mean something. And most importantly, just keep writing.

Also, there's a really really really good thread over in the Techniques sub-forum that has a whole bunch of tips on writing well, and it helped me tremendously when I first came here so I like to link people to it in hopes that it will help them in the same way. Here you go: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393365

Also also, you're new so I'm not sure if you know, but it's courtesy to trade critiques with people. It's a great way to get people to comment on your own pieces and it's really what enables this community to work. If you wouldn't mind, I just posted a piece recently that I'm looking for feedback on. Here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393365 If you don't want to, don't bother. You don't have to write a novel, just a little comment would be nice.


And welcome to S&L!
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black