#1
a butterfly, bubbly and
fun.

Wilts when you call it an
ugly
whore. Say it's
not pretty.

Turns into mud slop slush
turns blue and purple
wilts
melts to mud and


pools on the floor
seeping into the cracks.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#2
I always like simple pieces, and this is definitely no exception. I would change the period in the second stanza to a semi-colon, personally. Also, I question the use of "wilts" twice. I'm not getting anything from it.

Again, love the simplicity, in the wording as well as the imagery. This is great. Crit mine? It's "The Warden."
We're only strays.
#3
I'm gonna be honest, I didn't overly enjoy this, although there were some cool ideas I didn't feel you developed it enough. I like the whole metaphor thing you have going on and all, it's just like I say, a little undelevoped and perhaps more of a beginning piece rather than something polished.
#4
^ agreed, you read it and it's cool, then you kind of forgot you read it. if it were more developed, maybe a part 1 to a short series, it would have more value. nice verbage, as an old boss from new york once said to me at a bookstore job. auf jeden, cheers
#5
i dunno man. doesn't seem like your usual amount of effort went into this. maybe I'm not getting it all the way.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
I really liked the feel of this and felt like it was verbally pleasing, but it seemed to lack direction. Despite the nice aesthetic the meaning was very ambiguous, so perhaps try and be a little more direct....

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#8
Quote by JustRooster
So, someone's feelings get hurt when you call them ugly? Deep.


Yes, because everything I do just has this layer of face-melting profundity.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#9
Reminded me of something Brand New-ish for some reason, so of course I loved it.
LOVE ANTHONY GREEN?
Quote by sneyob
I am slightly disappointed =w=eeze took me out of his sig.

But that's okay.

^Consolation Sig