#1
just past the ferns and decaying branches,
sat a clearing nestled by the water dancing.

and the path to the rustling ripples led
like weariness does to a fresh made bed.

there i watched algae on rooted rocks grow
so simply and slow as a huntsman's bow.

i thought of reproducing microscopic pieces
as the luckiest of all creation's many teases.

it happens without knowledge of any other
human begging to make an animal a mother.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at May 8, 2011,
#2
It reads more like a poem than a song but it's really good. The huntman's bow part makes it sound a little nerdy though, like dungeons and dragons style, not sure if that's what you were going for. Overall it's really good, I like the line "like weariness does to a fresh made bed".
#3
and the path to the rustling ripples led
like weariness does to a fresh made bed

in my opinion, this was the best part of reading this one, very satisfying imagery.

the last three 'parts, the second half of the second line of all three, ending with bow, teases, and mother resp., seem like they were written for the rhymed word, with no actual meaning meant by the writer by these words, other than that they rhymed, the opposite of the above.

but the first two were quite good, especially in how they related somewhat to the title, and if were a piece of five solid good parts of two lines apiece, it would be very good, instead, I would call it very good with the first two, good first line in each of the next three two line parts, and good half of second line of these parts two. it was the
huntsman's bow
,
many teases
, and esp. last part
a critter a mother
that sunk this one for me. very easy fix. otherwise, something not bad
Last edited by parkt921k at May 20, 2011,
#4
Quote by knitest1ck
It reads more like a poem than a song but it's really good. The huntman's bow part makes it sound a little nerdy though, like dungeons and dragons style, not sure if that's what you were going for. Overall it's really good, I like the line "like weariness does to a fresh made bed".
It might well be a poem. Songwriting and Lyrics isn't just about songs; you can post poetry, prose, stories, scripts, anything that is original and follows the rules.

I thought this was awesome, Nick. You don't normally use words with this amount of detail and connection, which tells me you're an even more diverse writer than you let on.
#5
this is different from you, and a sentiment I can fully relate to. hope to see more warm-weather pieces from you.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
i applaud you on your grand distance
but in the end, you can't escape your desperate medium -- this forum
as much as you try to escape understanding --
constrict yourself with rhyme
ruin your language --
you will kill whatever voice you may have inside of you

in this poem,
i feel i haven't met anyone.

PS: congratulations on wotw
#7
Amazing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching