#1
Haha, I bet the title of this is really misleading, but that's actually the title of my song. I haven't posted here in forever, but I just wrote this and I really really like it. So here you go.

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I shot the man who stole my identity

And got charged with suicide

I played hide and seek in a furniture store

But couldn't find a place to hide

Do 3D glasses make me a schizophrenic

Cause I see things that aren't really there

I'm the guy who wouldn't go to a nude beach

Cause I couldn't find a thing to wear

I tried to tell the truth about someone

But they denied what they did

So instead of being honest

I had to lie and say it was me

I tried to make my life a bed of roses

But ended up with just a tree

Eve took away our perfection

But it would've taken an imperfect thing to keep us well

If only she was allergic to apples

We'd live forever and wouldn't be able to curse our enemies to hell

I don't carry coins in my pocket

Cause I don't believe in change

And I only put U and I together

Cause I thought the alphabet needed to be rearranged

I wasn't trying to kiss you

I was just trying to suffocate you with my mouth

if you don't understand, ask the Mayans

Cause people say they know what it's all about

2012 isn't the end of the world

Someone just got really tired of making calendars

Besides, those years were written down before some months even existed

So take out all those new days

And we were probably supposed to be dead years ago

Scientists don't have the answers

Cause Douglas Adams is the only one who knows

People call themselves geniuses if they can do math very well

But that was made up by someone else

And we only listen to what he wrote down

He was just making stuff up

What if he said that 5+10 equals clown?

Don't you know that a woman's chest

Only became a sex object when we started covering it up?

And men became the house providers

Cause we were stupid enough to wanna work

And women give birth to children

Cause men are too big of jerks

Maybe we're all growing up the wrong way

Our culture taught us that all we want is money and fame

But maybe this isn't how the world should be

Maybe the homeless and poor

Are the ones that are wealthy

Cause don’t you know that rats

Are more civilized then we

For I’ve never seen them procreate in public

Or ever not look after their family’s needs
Last edited by zymn at May 9, 2011,
#2
I read it. I'm waiting for you to get unlazy so you can come crit mine then I'll give you a nice critique.

Call it an incentive!
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#3
Very well then, I read it (Wonderful, by the way) and I gave you my crits (There wasn't very many to give) and now it's your turn. :P

I also added some more lines.
Last edited by zymn at May 9, 2011,
#4
I quite liked this. The lack of punctuation was a bit annoying at first but then I just started reading how I think it should be punctuated. Really liked the ideas you put forward both poetically and politically.

Favourite line:

"I don't carry coins in my pocket

Cause I don't believe in change"

Very nice in my opinion. However, the line "We'd live forever and wouldn't be able to curse our enemies to hell" didn't flow very well, maybe because of how I read it, probably because there's no punctuation.

WEDIT: A little crit on my "A Poem About Hannah" would be greatly appreciated. Nothing more than what I put here.
Last edited by willT08 at May 9, 2011,
#5
Well thanks, and I certainly did take a look.

And I agree with you on the hell line. I kind of threw that one together because I couldn't think of anything else. Any suggestions for that one I'll greatly appreciate.