#1
I recently got involved in my town's spoken-word community and I wrote a rather free-verse styled poem about something that I usually save for lyrics. Honestly, I think it's one of the best pieces of literature I've created so I'm really interested to see what other people think about it.

------

So did you see everything of me you wanted to see
when you asked through pixilated screens last spring

because I think I did show you
all that I could

and I asked you if you wouldn't play your games anymore
I didn't want your revolving door kind of shit
I wanted you here in the now not in the back of my mind
and in the front of my heart like before

and you said that you would, you would, you would
you wanted in my mind, inside
so I broke the line I drew just for you
because this time you meant it

and you meant it because we both came out of a winter cold, hard, cynical, and loveless
and you were my thaw and I was your thaw
and we opened up in bloom, flumed with the colors of green and spring

Green at the park, we sat until dark
and I remember guardedly seeing your eyes look through mine
and I felt a spark in my head and in my heart
but I reservedly put it off and looked away
because it wasn't going to happen, wasn't going to happen, wasn't going to happen
not today

and then a few nights passed
and Green was my jacket, my shirt, and my eyes
as I waited for you and we walked
me cautionary and you unreserved
across train tracks and liquor bottles, up hills
and onto a couch where we talked to one another
for what could have been some time, I don't recall

a red couch
it wasn't green
passion
you said something about a stupid picture
and I said something stupid about the picture
and you said with such a glow in your eyes and on your face
"you don't now"
and me looking at you with the same spark as before
and you leaned in

f*ck
I think I thought
months and months and months and you just put off for four or five nights back
but here I am
we are
together on a spring evening, outside green, spring, my green jacket
and your brown eyes closed like mine
and hand in your hair, behind your ear; red couch
I think I was trembling

a combination of a warm feeling
parted with shaking joy and trembly voice
we stepped outside into the spring air

it's the kind of smell you forget how good it is until you step outside next year
before you light a cigarette and cloud the air brown
and it smells so fresh and green
full of life like nature is hopeful and happy to be rid of winter

you can almost smell the the new life

and we walked to an empty bus
and went to the back
plexi leather underneath my head
with yours above mine, my neck straining to keep our noses side by side
not thinking about anything
bliss

and there was a moon above the metal canopy over our bodies
full with white light that made the night bright through the foggy windows
and my neck hurt but I didn't care

sweet and bitter taste and I couldn't smell the spring air inside the buswarmth
I was beyond her flowery lotion; I could only feel her there
and with care we stayed for a fair bit of time sharing whatever we could
her hair would stray into my mouth until it would tear away

hot

I fell away from that night lost somewhere between transverse and irreversible
irreversibly together, or something like it
and there was so much I wanted to say and ask before we left
and I laid in bed flipping moonlit thoughts with - for once in a night - a clear head
not spinning and not twisting and not fuzzy
and not a want for it

sometimes when you go to bed you get a poetic idea through your head
or melodic and lyrical and instrumental and transcendental
but they get shaken up with your dreams and you wake up thinking you know
know that you had something important in your head
but that you forgot it somewhere between the lightswitch and the pillow you rest on on your bed

and I'm sure that I had something like that
that I could say the next day when I saw your face and would make you brighten
and I could get close enough to you again to get past the flower lotion
bitter and sweet taste
***
there is an end to all this because there is an end to most things
and it isn't good but not much else is
so I can immortalize you in a good way with words
and I can leave out the rest of the bad
because putting that aside
times spent on grass under trees watching a street cleaner sweep white flowers off the pavement
while I sweep wet tears off your face with ethanol on our lips
and nights passed lying under the same roof on the same couch
with the windows open while a thunderstorm rages outside
with enough force to spray mist through the window-screen over our eyes
but the rest of us covered with blankets and our arms and petrichor
warm because we're together and nothing else matters
makes all the bad worth the wait...even though lots of bad came after
I call it fate

Hindsight is a rosetinted glass
painting the past in brighter colors because time moved too fast

I don't know if I love you
I don't know if I loved you
I don't even know if love can be in past tense
but I know that I love the way you made me feel
and you might have been the love colored space holder in a place in my mind or chest that needed filling
but whatever it is or was it was real

You make me think of spring
and spring reminds me of green
The problem with it all I guess is that my eyes were green and yours were not
and I was doing a good job not thinking about you too much until the leaves started blooming again, in green flume
GEAR
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#3
Wow. That was a fantastic piece. I loved the repetition and the metaphors, and the green. It really made me think. The only problems i really found were that the asterick bugged me, but that is clearly no big deal. Also, does she really say "you don't now" or is it supposed to be "you don't know"
That was really great, man. I hope you keep writing and put up more work
#5
Quote by zach in black
Wow. That was a fantastic piece. I loved the repetition and the metaphors, and the green. It really made me think. The only problems i really found were that the asterick bugged me, but that is clearly no big deal. Also, does she really say "you don't now" or is it supposed to be "you don't know"
That was really great, man. I hope you keep writing and put up more work

It's "You don't now"

The event that I'm referencing, that was the thing she said after I said something else. It's too trifle to explain, really. But the way she said it stands out in my mind so it's less what she said, more just how she said it and that's why I decided to use it in this piece.
GEAR
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#6
one simple fact of what i liked about this is how you, first of all, wrote in a 'story format' that could be followed (sometimes its nice, prose-ish), and you set a kind of 'tone' for yourself early on that you sustained through the entire thing. i only got one finger in the eye while reading it, which was
love colored space holder
. that kind of sucked. space holder isn't bad at all per se, it's the two words before it, especially the second one. long story short though, you created something here, its yours, and aside from that comment above, there's not much i could say that would help you keep it yours and not turn it into something else, so if you like it keep it. i can see how it might be something you could read aloud in front of people. oh, I didn't like rosetinted either, seemed too grandma conversation. but other than those two, there you go, and I'd like to read more from you.
#7
Quote by parkt921k
one simple fact of what i liked about this is how you, first of all, wrote in a 'story format' that could be followed (sometimes its nice, prose-ish), and you set a kind of 'tone' for yourself early on that you sustained through the entire thing. i only got one finger in the eye while reading it, which was . that kind of sucked. space holder isn't bad at all per se, it's the two words before it, especially the second one. long story short though, you created something here, its yours, and aside from that comment above, there's not much i could say that would help you keep it yours and not turn it into something else, so if you like it keep it. i can see how it might be something you could read aloud in front of people. oh, I didn't like rosetinted either, seemed too grandma conversation. but other than those two, there you go, and I'd like to read more from you.

Interesting points. Thank you very much for your critique.

Anything you have you want me to look at?
GEAR
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#8
one's from a few days ago i am the infant..

So's what i'm trying to do here, and to look for, isn't the flow of specific ideas between one line and the next. essentially a mismash, written to the flow of oh comely by neutral milk hotel in terms of syllables and flowage (through most, anyway, a few (8 or so) roadblock sentences with too many or too few syllables, but largely, from that song.

with that aside, though, I've got a lyric writing session tomorrow wherein I usually lay down scratch vocals and make up words (and vocal melody) as I go, three or four tries through or somewhat through, then number a sheet for each verse line by line, than each chorus line by line, usw. Then choose lyric for each line, from here, there. So what I mean is for one, whoever, you, look at each line by itself, much more than that it makes some sort of coherent sense.
i appreciate it

zB here are some I thought deserved special mention


and you were my thaw and I was your thaw

across train tracks and liquor bottles, up hills
(this line will probably stay with me)
before you light a cigarette and cloud the air brown
- I liked this one better when I misread it at first and thought it read "..cloud the brown air.", just sidenote
we stepped outside into the spring air
-simple
inside the buswarmth

and my neck hurt but I didn't care

her hair would stray into my mouth until it would tear away

between the lightswitch and the pillow

the windows open while a thunderstorm rages outside

in green flume


question for you while i'm here i reckon-

(opinion) do you think the line: "they took an xray of my chest and i looked at it and there's no heart" could be used in a song? or is it too wordy? context don't matter . i'm debating whether to use it at the moment. thoughts perhap?
#9
Quote by parkt921k


(opinion) do you think the line: "they took an xray of my chest and i looked at it and there's no heart" could be used in a song? or is it too wordy? context don't matter . i'm debating whether to use it at the moment. thoughts perhap?


Totally. You just have to find a way to word it in there.

If it means cutting it off mid sentence, do it and pick it back up at the next phrase.
GEAR
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#10
aw man. incredible. This is honestly a damn near perfect lyrical portrait of what I've been going through here lately. I think we might be riding the same emotional roller coaster.

and you meant it because we both came out of a winter cold, hard, cynical, and loveless
and you were my thaw and I was your thaw
and we opened up in bloom, flumed with the colors of green and spring

and then a few nights passed
and Green was my jacket, my shirt, and my eyes
as I waited for you and we walked
me cautionary and you unreserved
across train tracks and liquor bottles, up hills
and onto a couch where we talked to one another
for what could have been some time, I don't recall

a red couch
it wasn't green
passion
you said something about a stupid picture
and I said something stupid about the picture
and you said with such a glow in your eyes and on your face
"you don't now"
and me looking at you with the same spark as before
and you leaned in

^ in this part- I feel like the color green is a metaphor for genuine unconditional compassion. where as red is of course emotional and sensual desire; passion; attachment. I especially like the first three lines. Its a beautiful description of how it feels when something perfect and complete (even if its only a feeling) comes along and saves you from loneliness.

you said something about a stupid picture
and I said something stupid about the picture

really dig this line. its just clever. and kinda cute. no homo.

sometimes when you go to bed you get a poetic idea through your head
or melodic and lyrical and instrumental and transcendental
but they get shaken up with your dreams and you wake up thinking you know
know that you had something important in your head
but that you forgot it somewhere between the lightswitch and the pillow you rest on on your bed
and I'm sure that I had something like that
that I could say the next day when I saw your face and would make you brighten
and I could get close enough to you again to get past the flower lotion
bitter and sweet taste

really love this part. I think its something we can all relate to as lyricists and also because I think as writers we all also have the habit of playing out conversations in our heads that never seem to come out the way we planned. and the ending (and I was doing a good job not thinking about you too much until the leaves started blooming again, in green flume) is perfect. just when you think you've finally put the nail in casket it always seems to come back stronger than ever doesnt it? excellent job my friend.
#11
Quote by omnisonthelawn
aw man. incredible. This is honestly a damn near perfect lyrical portrait of what I've been going through here lately. I think we might be riding the same emotional roller coaster.

and you meant it because we both came out of a winter cold, hard, cynical, and loveless
and you were my thaw and I was your thaw
and we opened up in bloom, flumed with the colors of green and spring

and then a few nights passed
and Green was my jacket, my shirt, and my eyes
as I waited for you and we walked
me cautionary and you unreserved
across train tracks and liquor bottles, up hills
and onto a couch where we talked to one another
for what could have been some time, I don't recall

a red couch
it wasn't green
passion
you said something about a stupid picture
and I said something stupid about the picture
and you said with such a glow in your eyes and on your face
"you don't now"
and me looking at you with the same spark as before
and you leaned in

^ in this part- I feel like the color green is a metaphor for genuine unconditional compassion. where as red is of course emotional and sensual desire; passion; attachment. I especially like the first three lines. Its a beautiful description of how it feels when something perfect and complete (even if its only a feeling) comes along and saves you from loneliness.

you said something about a stupid picture
and I said something stupid about the picture

really dig this line. its just clever. and kinda cute. no homo.

sometimes when you go to bed you get a poetic idea through your head
or melodic and lyrical and instrumental and transcendental
but they get shaken up with your dreams and you wake up thinking you know
know that you had something important in your head
but that you forgot it somewhere between the lightswitch and the pillow you rest on on your bed
and I'm sure that I had something like that
that I could say the next day when I saw your face and would make you brighten
and I could get close enough to you again to get past the flower lotion
bitter and sweet taste

really love this part. I think its something we can all relate to as lyricists and also because I think as writers we all also have the habit of playing out conversations in our heads that never seem to come out the way we planned. and the ending (and I was doing a good job not thinking about you too much until the leaves started blooming again, in green flume) is perfect. just when you think you've finally put the nail in casket it always seems to come back stronger than ever doesnt it? excellent job my friend.


Thanks man.

It was really nice to be able to write in this style because I feel like it really liberated me from the confines of traditional lyrics due to the force of the instrumental rhythms. I'm not bound to any meter so the thoughts came a lot more fluidly.
GEAR
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#12
Haha I'm glad you posted that comment on mine, cause I definitely wanted to get back to reading this, and I'm glad I did. You sir are an incredible storyteller, and I can tell that this has strong meaning for you. I can tell what must have been real life events because of the extra details that you throw in that certainly couldn't of been made up. Especially the line about the leaf blower (I think that's what it said). But I do have one question... What's a "buswarmth"?
#13
Buswarmth is kind of just two words added together, bus and warmth - instead of saying the warm bus, I just added them together. Post Modernist style of writing, I suppose if you wanted to classify it.
GEAR
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#14
Anyone think this might be something that could be turned into a song?
GEAR
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Proud Member of:
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