#1
Aw yee, it's my yearly poem! I've been experimenting with free writing, as I find I work best when I'm uninterrupted by my own mind Enjoy, C4C, etc.

With sandpaper nerves I cling to my cigarette with the finesse of a butterfly, but the smoke stings like a bee. I extinguish my death-stick in lukewarm piss in a bright red cup, knowing that one day my fears of being doomed to an afterlife retiring to a casket bed getting catered to by fresh maggots that I don’t chew, as they’re best if you let them slide down your parched throat unscathed, that way they can eat your insides even more efficiently than anxiety; one day these fears will be realized. Only then will I be able to grow out my hair. Only then will judgment be lifted, only then will responsibility be separated from my soul, as my soul will be separated from my body like this nicotine fog will be lifted from my needy psyche. But I’ll always be scrutinized, I fear, by my very creators, even after my face is but a glossy yellowed photograph, my teeth will forever have something stuck in them but I keep picking at it until I pick my very tooth away just like in those dreams, where my teeth fall out like ivory keys.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#2
Hey Ben, its incredibly hard to critique this seeing as I like it so much. The strongest line is the first, the butterfly/bee metaphor pleased me very much.

I mean, honestly, read through it a couple times and really can`t think of anything bad to say. Maybe make every new sentence a new line, because I feel that makes it more powerful. That`s just my style though, and then it wouldn`t be freewriting .

Srsly though, send me more, even if you don`t post them here .
#3
The only real thing I can suggest at the moment is to try and get rid of the "to be" verb as much as possible. As my poetry teacher taught me, it's one of the weakest verbs in the English language, used mostly as filler.

That's all I've got for now, but I'm quite tired. If I think of anything else I'll let you know.

EDIT: Here's a good site talking about what I mean:

http://mvhslohmeier.com/passivevoice.htm
Last edited by I Have no Soul at May 13, 2011,
#4
Quote by I Have no Soul
The only real thing I can suggest at the moment is to try and get rid of the "to be" verb as much as possible. As my poetry teacher taught me, it's one of the weakest verbs in the English language, used mostly as filler.

That's all I've got for now, but I'm quite tired. If I think of anything else I'll let you know.

EDIT: Here's a good site talking about what I mean:

http://mvhslohmeier.com/passivevoice.htm

I remember an English teacher teaching me about that somewhere down the line... thought it was useless then for some reason, but now I'll definitely try to use less "to be" verbs.
Thanks for the crit
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.