#1
angling for a lucid face
searching for connection under the smoke and dark
fighting hand over fist just for a chance
to make her lemonade

and the lingering look
that shoots across the room but never bounces back
the spark cut short by a feigned itch
where there's fire without the crack

she's hot but you're afraid
thinking the task would be a bit shorter
if she was standing in water

with space to fade the frayed ends out
there's an elegance about the way she's framed
but is the question if she framed herself
or was she directed

she's hot but you're afraid
thinking the task would be shorter
if she was standing in water

and when it's time to rip the plaster off
will her face still be there?

she's hot but you're afraid
even if she was standing in water
I bet you'd still have the hump
#2
I've never been able to come up with a proper answer as to why so many mediocre songs get reviewed on this forum but the better stuff gets shuffled to the bottom with fewer page views and even fewer - if any - replies.

Maybe it's because I think the better stuff lacks the superficial content and is better worded which puts most people off or they feel that they can't understand it.

Either way, I like this song a lot.

The first stanza is - in a very simple way - amazing. The way you kinda juxtapose seeing a face with lucidity and the smoke and haze does very well for providing images in my head to accompany this song. The last two lines are great and I can totally relate to because I know the feeling of wanting to do almost anything -- no matter how small -- to spend time with someone else. I could be wrong, but I also think that there is an underlying reference to chemical use or something.

The rest of the song is great as well. The refrains tie the song together wonderfully, although the only part of the song I'm not crazy about is the last line of the song because I think the word hump doesn't sound as elegant and as evanescent as the rest of the song sounds. But that's just me.

I'd love to hear it put to music.

Care to look at a piece of mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1439976
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#3
very good sentiment.
your intro, the starting stanzas, are really in need of some work. i understand the need to communicate information -- however, you have to find a way to do this stylistically. sung, perhaps lovely.

still, ****ing love the last two lines of the first stanza

great to see you're still going jammy
teg
#5
Let us start in Verse One. I really like the "angling for lucid face" line. It may be because "lucid" is one of my "favorite" words, but more likely it is because it is well written, in my opinion. The second line feels like it throws off the flow a little bit, perhaps because of its length. The third line, I am not completely sure about. Typically, "hand over first" refers to someone making a lot of money ("he was making money, hand over fist"). I did a little research, because I did not know the origin of the saying, supposedly, it comes from the navy, for the method of pulling a rope. Who knew? You could just be trying to make a play on that old phrase in that you are talking about "fighting" and "fists," but only you know for certain. Lastly, to make her lemonade makes the whole "fight" seem rather pointless, which I think is your point, so goodwork. I cannot help but feel that the right to pour her lemonade is not the real prize they are fighting for, though.

Now Verse Two. I have one suggestion. When I think of "lingering", I do not think of direct, or shooting, and you say this lingering look "shoots across the room." I think more of the remains of something stronger when I hear linger, so maybe just play with the word "shoots" and try replacing it with something else and see if you like it more. Otherwise, I really like that line. In Line 3, I am not sure who is pretending to have an itch, if you wanted it a little disambiguated, you could add "I" or "she" at the beginning and rearrange a little bit. I wouldn't necessarily recommend it though.

Onto the Refrain. At first, I think "She's hot? That's all you have to say?" But then as I read, what I believe, is that you are playing on hot in a literal sense and that if she was cooling in water, the "task" would be easier. I will give it to you that it is clever.

Now, I am not quite sure what Verse Three is trying to say. We go from talking about watching this girl from across the room and the main character's lack of confidence, to, apparently, whether this girl is fake or has ulterior motives, or something. I surely don't know, because I am mentally trying to fit it in with the rest of the piece. I don't quite get it. If you are pleased with that, then bravo. I would never ask you to change it to spell it out for me, especially if you want a sort of cryptic, make your own interpretation feel. Just know that if one person doesn't get it, there are at least 100 more who won't either. Lastly, I think it would make more sense if it read "but the question is did she frame herself + or was she directed." That said, I like the line "there's an elegance about the way she's framed" even if the metaphor is lost on me.

I like the short Verse Four. Perhaps it is some sort of a bridge in the song? My only suggestion is that, we don't really talk about the "plaster" earlier, and then it shows up here. Not really a problem, it just weakens the metaphor slightly. Also, although I like how it is written, we really get away from the boy chasing the girl in the second half of the piece, and start focusing on who the girl really is. Just an unexpected turn, that leaves me wondering what happened in the story. Did he ever go and talk to her? You do sort of end the story in the last line, but with a little ambiguity. You say he would likely never approach her, regardless of the circumstance. But certainly there is no certainty in the way it is worded.

Overall, I like this piece. I think it is written well and worded nicely. My only concern with it is that it sort of changes in focus halfway through, not necessarily a detriment, just something that was dissonant with what I expected. Nice work.

I hate to promote my own piece , but I have gotten almost no help with it. Before I do a re-write, I would like to have a few more fellow writers look at it.
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.
#6
The word "lemonade" in this song can be directly replaced with the word "orgasm". I wouldn't like to exactly point out what "hand over fist" entails but doing so repeatedly would probably lead to, er, lemonade.

No-one ever listens to the third verse of a song, they've just come off a chorus/solo/breakdown and just want to enjoy the singers voice. no-one knows words to third verses. my third verses are usually far more style than substance. case in point I like how fade/frayed/framed allow for the mouth to open wide from a closed position, and also how "directed" has the word "erect" in it. it made me laugh. i'm glad you were lost in the metaphor, so was i.

octopusbricks, not only do you have a wicked screename but you have a great grasp of critiquing lyrics. keep it up. i will endeavour to get back to you. as to everyone else. but i'm a bit of a flake.

Keep it rocking Teg.