#1
i've burnt every desperate cry with another cigarette
now i'm weary from the call
and happy to just smile
but the smell permeates in a way unknown to me
grown common in my mind
indistinguishable from the breeze


when the day gets cold enough
and the air grows crisp enough
something pure will tiptoe up
and set its hands upon my eyes
i can smell the layered smoke
like a punch to straight to the gut
i can feel my body shake
veins filled with the tainted blood



sometimes i can smell it
don't you dare get close enough.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
when the day gets cold enough
and the air grows crisp enough
something pure will tiptoe up
and set its hands upon my eyes

oh lalala.

this was great, specifically those lines and the ending.

nice work, girl.

we should discuss the story idea soon-next week or tomorrow or next month or something.
#3
i really like the first line. doing something to coat the pain. we all have been there. you describe the feelings pretty well. good song.
Unusual Abstraction of Thoughts
#4
I'm going to have to go read the other two.

This is nice, but I need to see it in the context of the whole thing. I may or may not be back to edit this and comment, but I am going to read them.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
frank ohara:
'oh god it’s wonderful
to get out of bed
and drink too much coffee
and smoke too many cigarettes
and love you so much'
#6

i've burnt every desperate cry

what I didn't like about this was its 'finality', 'certainty', etc., of 'every'.. 'some', or 'most', or anything else that doesn't convey '100%-ness' (i.e. always, never, every usw.), would be better.





permeates in a way unknown to me
grown common in my mind
indistinguishable from the breeze

-i liked this part, moreso when separated from:
but the smell

..for one reason that I think that you could do better than, I suppose, the smell of cigarette smoke. : but the taste, but the engine, but the rhinoplasty, whatever. The 2nd reason, is that your 2nd to last line,

sometimes i can smell it

lacks a punch and freshness when 'but the smell' is used in the first stanza (you use the word 'smell' 3 times, maybe 2 is sufficient..also, 'but the smell' is a different form of the word, don't know the grammatical description at the moment, but shifting the grammar of the word in the same piece also has a negative 'feeling' to me)

when the day gets cold enough
and the air grows crisp enough
something pure will tiptoe up
and set its hands upon my eyes
i can smell the layered smoke
like a punch to straight to the gut
i can feel my body shake
veins filled with the tainted blood


this was cool, something original, an image, so the only thing I would like to comment on, as the rest of it is just about alright and allie, is word
tainted

it seems too easy.

sometimes i can smell it
don't you dare get close enough.

this felt too vampire dracula to me, I don't know if that's a helpful thing to say, but that was my first thought. I also dont' like much the implicitness of the weakness of those who are being spoken to in this last line, like all 'they' want is to get 'close', and you have to as sternly as possible say 'no'.

so critiqued, i mean I guess it's of course definitely not a song, and a poem, no, prose ish, kind of is some thoughts down, so anyway, just my 2 cents feeling I reckon
Last edited by parkt921k at May 15, 2011,
#7
^ thank you for taking the time to crit


matt: I'm at my parents' place until sunday and have a ton of free time before going back to my place... get at me. we'll talk about the story. I also have lots of things to tell you.

theotherguy: thank you

aaron: there are plenty more to come too, I think. I'm not sure this series will ever end. I hope it does, but that depends on where my life goes.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
we all have been there. you describe the feelings pretty well. good song I have never hear before........
#9
Quote by vintage x metal
i've burnt every desperate cry with another cigarette
now i'm weary from the call
and happy to just smile
but the smell permeates in a way unknown to me
grown common in my mind
indistinguishable from the breeze
loved the last two lines. as i mentioned in a previous poem, your phrasing is so, so good now.


when the day gets cold enough
and the air grows crisp enough
something pure will tiptoe up
and set its hands upon my eyes
i can smell the layered smoke
like a punch to straight to the gut
beautiful stuff here, especially the first four lines.
i can feel my body shake
veins filled with the tainted blood

i agree with the previous poster about "tainted". it really does seem too easy of an adjective to use. you've demonstrated before that you're able to construct these beautiful, fantastic phrases through impeccable word choice alone. i just think that you could say what you want here in a more evocative way.

sometimes i can smell it
don't you dare get close enough.
effective ending for me


sorry i've been a little m.i.a. lately. just got back to the states and things have a little crazy. we need to catch up soon though
here, My Dear, here it is