#1
i find my father in the backroom of our quiet home,
alone and looking out the window, perhaps at the few
leafless branches; or perhaps at the two geese in flight
during this skyless summer advent. either way he must notice
what an unreal portrait is being painted unscrupulously
before us; it's attempting to visualize a chorus of incredible screams-
those of my mother in a downtown hospital bed, and those
of my father building up and up to the top of his head.
the sky wants to rain but the normal sorrows of these days
accumulate in the levies of the clouds, and the grayness
between living in the prime of my life
while she is living in its twilight
is a type of gravitational ambiguity
that'll eventually shed some light. i see that my father still wants to cry;
and i see unused furniture and photo albums gathering dust;
though this home will go dark when it is no longer dusk,
i know he will flick a light on. but even when god
ushers in the gathering storm, and i hear those first cracking chords
of agony from my father's voice, the sense of beauty
i once admired in faith, the daylit reveries,
and this planet's everchanging works of art
will have already been deformed in my heart;
now it all just seems to make very little sense to me .
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at May 16, 2011,
#3
Beautiful imagery and some of the best diction I've ever read from you. This piece really felt like it was full of little connections and metaphors that came together, for example "the sky wants to rain" was followed a couple lines later by "my father...wants to cry". I thought this was really cool, as it brought the weather directly into the theme of the piece rather than just using it as an atmospheric backdrop, which a lot of people tend to do. The only part I didn't really like was the ending... It felt like a bit of an anti-climax both in content and diction after the power of the rest of the piece, though this was still excellent for the most part.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#4
haha i thought "leaveless" looked a little off. thanks rd

and i totally agree with you about the ending, uncle. i went and changed it and i'm much more satisfied with this version than the previous one. thank you for the kind words.

i'll take a look at both of yours
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
This ending is much more effective. Beautiful piece.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#8
Quote by Sticky Tissues
fantastic. alsoooo

ARCADE FIREEEEEEEE


That's the first thing I thought of, too.
Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#9
oh wow. this is definitely a new favorite from you. your voice in this was very clear and there was no ambiguity in meaning, but you still used imagery beautifully and crafted this into a scene with many dimensions. you've said a lot. this shows maturity, Ryan. please talk to me if you need anything, even just someone to share words with - you know how to reach me.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#10
Thanks, friends. The sentiment of "Wake Up" is very much related to some of the sentiment in this so it was definitely an inspiration. I appreciate the kind words, Saadia, and yes, should I need an ear to talk to, I know I can go to you. Thanks
here, My Dear, here it is