#1
Put a rough version up a couple of years ago then found it other day an made some changes. crit for crit

The air i breathe is diseased
A sea of empty souls surround me
Look to the sky this can't be it
Nothing ives it just exists
I've no time no time for this now
Iv'e no time no time for this now

My souls vacant nothing here makes me lose my breath
Empty heart empty heart
Except this one thing that i always knew would be trouble
Yeah she was trouble from the start
I knew she was trouble from the start

The air she breathed was diseased
Crucified by anothers needs
I hoped someday that she'd decide to stray
And find herself walking my way
And find herself walking my way

Two souls vacant nothing here makes us lose our breath
Empty hearts empty hearts
Why'd she make those eyes when we both know shes got
To just walk on by
I couldn't stop her if i tried

The cure is there but out of reach
We both share the same disease
How i would make her sweat slip that dress from round her neck
I could fill her empty heart
I could fill her empty heart

Then one night to my surprise she came through with a smile
A look i'd never seen before
She pressed her body to mine an i held her in tight
Our clothes on the bedroom floor
Her heart beat fast that night

I awoke alone in a cold sweat
With visions i could not forget
Though its hard to pretend
These thoughts they have to end
For she belongs to my friend
#2
I've read it, and it made me picture myself in a room, in the middle of Manhattan...
I would call it Manhattan's marmalade.
#4
Well, I personally like titles that don't actually get said in the lyrics. However, I can't really come up with one like that for this.

I honestly feel like "Empty Hearts" would be the best title. It's the overarching idea as well as being stated in the chorus as well as the bridge.
"This nightmare's gonna break me.
Please, Daylight, save me..."
#5
I think "Lepers' Lament" could be a good title..

Leper because it fits for the "disease" metaphor and because it seems as if he is being rejected by her, and Lament because he feels sorrow
#6
Hey, this isn't bad man. I'm having trouble with the repetition but it probably relates to the song..

The last two stanzas are the best, I like they way you tell the reader the kind of person she is from the start, but you can already guess the ending. You worded it rather well too, the ending.

As for the name... I find that if you can't think of a name then its best to call it something that can only loosely relate to it. Like how about "My Friend Has Problems" oh I dunno I felt clever when I began to type it and now I feel a 'tard.
Anyway, yeah.

If you wouldn't mind glancing over mine, its called Disunity in the Community!

Cheers braaaaah.
#8
I agree with Bag'ed, the repetition is a little off-putting, but as far as she's-with-my-friend-and-not-me songs go this one's pretty good.
#9
I like it a lot. It reminds me greatly of wanering the streets of New York on a rainy day in early spring. I have no idea what title to give this though. it is very strong in general. If you wanna crit, check my sig. Sorry i'm kinda useless at crits
#10
Not bad bud. I say you should title it "Disease". It seems to fit somehow.
Some people just wanna watch the world burn. Wanna join me when I take my turn to pour the gas, light the match, see your world flip upside down and drop until it's inside out?
#11
Not going to give a title per se, more like tips:
-when thinking about the title don't try to lift a line from the lyrics, think about the inspiration for the song and use that as a jumping off point
-do not use the first thing that comes to mind, because usually it will be obvious and there will be hundreds of songs with a similar or the same title. Try using a synonym dictionary - been of great help to me
Gear:
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