#1
here are some lyrics i wrote, a friend of my friend had just experienced a breakup, and as he was driving his car home, he was driving to fast and he crashed... Please help me out by Helping me make a chorus...

Here it is...


Driving you home
After all we've been through
Passing I-95
Asking what Ive done to you

My mind is to busy
I'm not thinking Straight
Why am i the one
You've begun to hate

I'm driving too fast
My foots on the gas
I don't realize
Whats going past

in between out arguing
i hear you scream
i look up ahead
it looked like a dream

two cars had crashed
the gasoline was dripping
it was like i could hear
the gas shifting

i crashed into a pole
the gas ignited
i lost control
of everything

when i woke up
i was on the side of the road
as i looked up
i see you there

inside the car
i saw you there
i didnt know what to do
so i stared

when reality kicked in
i sprang to my feet
i didnt know what would happen
when my gas and fire meet

i ran to the car
but they held me back
they told me then
dont do that

just then and there
it burst into flames
your scream that night
says im the one to blame

Your last words
just drive me home
i dont want to see you
For the rest of the night

Then she was gone
i now realize my love was strong
What i have done
will never be forgiven


if anyone could come up with a chorus, or something i could repeat for the chorus, i would be very happy... please crit harshly..

Thanks
Last edited by Arcane Circle at May 17, 2011,
#3
wow, i knew it sounded familiar... this was written a long time ago, i think thats what i was thinking of, i knew they sounded familiar, i googled them but nothing showed up...

now i see it,,,

Thanks!

ill change some parts and edit it...
#5
I didn't intently read it, however, it feels very straight-forward, which is fine if its your style. But personally, I don't see much for the "reader" (in this case) to do. There's nothing to really reflect on.

Also, it's extremely narrative. It's a cointinuous story. If I were listening to the song, I probably would have made it throught the first 3 or 4 "verses" or stanzas before I got bored.

I mean, if the music was done right, you could totally make it work. It's definately got potential. Just stick with it.

Remember: Heavy critiques mean that I care. =P

Good luck!
"This nightmare's gonna break me.
Please, Daylight, save me..."
#6
The song would work on a more fast paced song. The lyrics are a bit boring and a bit predictable by themselves.
#7
You know, I dont think you need a chorus here, it wouldn't fit much since its all a story. It'd probably work well with a post-rock/hardcore type of song, one where you could just build up the instruments into a big crescendo and just shout the vocals, but thats not for everybody. Also, instead of a chorus, why not just take a break after one of the stanzas and repeat the last line, such as "I see you there", or "Im the one to blame".