#1
Hey, guys. So, my band and I have gotten into songwriting and I've been given the task of writing lyrics. Anyway, I wanted to get your opinions on this first draft of some lyrics. The music is a bit dark with a bit of a pick up at the chorus. As for the bridge, we haven't decided whether it's going to be a guitar solo or if we'll have some more vocals. So, here's what I've got.
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Call of the Unfullfilled
By Package Deal


Verse 1
The base of the hourglass
It’s filling faster than you know
No one to hear that final gasp

Shattered glass and hollowed floors
Iced wind resonates through my bones
What am I fighting for?

Chorus
I’ll set the sky on fire
So the nights aren’t so dark
Put your faith in the liar
Or we can bear these broken hearts
Take a blind step!

Verse 2
Water reflects all our pains
I looked into my own weary eyes
I caught a glimpse of a past flame.

I’m phasing out and I don’t know why
I’ve been carrying this great burden
I’ll fall before I fly

Chorus
I’ll set the sky on fire
So the nights aren’t so dark
Put your faith in the liar
Or we can bear these broken hearts
Just take my hand!
Go!

Solo/Bridge

Final Chorus
I’ll set the sky on fire
So the nights aren’t so dark
Put your faith in the liar
Or we can bear these broken hearts

Now I can brave this sorrow
I’ll leave the world behind
Look away and let me go
Or stop me before I say goodbye!
Before I say goodbye!
Before I say goodbye...
"This nightmare's gonna break me.
Please, Daylight, save me..."
Last edited by DaysofGrace at May 17, 2011,
#2
I love the first verse and choruses, the message is great and it flows pretty well. The only faults i found were in the second verse

1. "I looked into my own weary eyes": To me it seems like it should be 'I've looked...' rather that 'I'. Here's how i see it: "Water reflects all our pains" to me is what the singer has learned from past experiences; "I (in the past) looked into my own weary eyes" doesn't make as much sense as "I've looked into my own weary eyes"

2. "I’ll fall before I fly": This line (to me) contradicts the chorus because the singer seems to have reached a dark, pessimistic conclusion to his situation that doesn't match the optimistic chorus.

Other than those nice lyrics! C4C?: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1443329
#3
Thanks man. I totally se what you're saying. Definately agree with you.
Thanks for the help!
"This nightmare's gonna break me.
Please, Daylight, save me..."