#1
I've been working a a weird, demented progressive death/thrash metal song about a guy that has a fetish for killing women and cutting off their faces to sew them on mannequins.. Here's what I have so far, I don't mind constructive criticism and don't be afraid to tell me if you think it sucks

Severance:

<Verse>
Blank face, look me in the eyes
if only you could see as I do;
beauty lies underneath the skin
my love, you'll be complete tonight
Lament to your wasted life
sorrows in my heartbeat for you
your beauty will never end
I'll create a memoir of you

<Chorus>
Shuffle off your mortal coil
I'll sever hide from your face
My precious reconcile
You'll be preserved anew


All I have so far.. Just wanted to get some opinions on if it sucks or not, and try to get some tips to make it better.

Thanks in advance,
Steve
#3
Sorry, honestly didn't even see the rules thread at the top at first. Don't come on here too much, just trying to get some advise from "real" people and not friends that will tell you it's good even though it's really not.
#4
This reads fluidly and without major hiccoup. The imagery is portrayed well enough for it to be enjoyable and understandable. It was also cool to see it entirely from the perspective of a killer. I'm not going to say that's refreshing, but it certainly is enjoyable.

With that said, I personally have no taste for lyrics like this as they have no relation to life, or me, or you. They're just telling a very, very short and meaningless story about something you have no experience with or knowledge on. It's basically just a minor section of life that only few understand and live with daily.

I've been saying this to a few people recently as I need to remind myself regularly: write about what you know. Here you've picked a topic typical for Death Metal, and the only reason why it's good is because it's good. It's not original, not topical, not important; just good.

And do you really want to write about something that obviously is just a phase interest? If you do, great. Keep it up. If you don't, try and let us see into you rather than someone else.
#5
This flows really well, i like dark stuff like this though i would never think its about a serial killer before i read it at the top, that just makes it better although i'm not really a fan of death metal. let me know when you finish the entire thing...
#6
its a good start..I know you are writing from the POV of a demented killer, face stealer, but the lyrics can be interpreted in different ways and the underlying message is something that everyone can relate to...vanity, love (albeit freaky), misunderstanding etc

I wrote something ages ago about a mankiller (lol)..it never got any comments but maybe you could have a look (not for crit, but just to give you some ideas about what to do next)
dont know if im allowed to post links but here goes
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1376844
#7
Thanks for the positive replies everyone, glad to hear that they are at least enjoyable and well written

Lukkyluke and Sheri234, I'm really glad you see it that way.. I try to write my songs with multiple interpretations so that it is more appealing to different people than just "death metal fans"

AngryGoldfish, I completely understand what you mean. This song was just an idea I was doing for fun about a short story I wrote a long time ago. I usually don't write lyrics like this much, but I just wanted to see what I could do with it and see if I could portray the story how I had written it in a song. I enjoy playing melodic death metal / thrash music but most of the song I write aren't like this honestly.