#1
I know nearly nothing about lyrics or poetry other than what i've learned reading lyrics from the little cd booklets. Please tell me what they mean to you and what could be improved. thanks and C4C

[Verse]
Killing time
'til my winter's end
this fragile ice
is always wearing thin

[Chorus]
As I
search for the sun
my mind's
clouds overcome

[Verse 2]
Counting hours
'til my days begin
my shallow eyes
burn against the wind

[Chorus 2]
In time
senses will numb
the light
will never come

[Bridge]
These wounds won't leave me
These wounds deceive me
And i'll keep dreaming
of the sun

[3rd Chorus Instrumental]

If you would like to hear the song for the lyrics, i have a crummy audio export of the GP6 file uploaded to my profile here: http://profile.ultimate-guitar.com/kamjam7/

Thanks again
#2
I was really quite impressed. The lyrics are very vague in terms of overall message. Structurally speaking, I love that you're intelligent enough to know how to use a good slant rhyme.

There was one thing I felt a little off about. I feel like the lack of a repetive chorus might make it somewhat confusing. By this, I mean that the chorus is meant to draw the listening back to the main point, but yours regard different things. However, you can make it work. It was just my little notice.

Overall, I just wanna hear it sang along with the music. Loved it!
"This nightmare's gonna break me.
Please, Daylight, save me..."
Last edited by DaysofGrace at May 19, 2011,
#3
Thanks, i'm glad you liked it! Yes i went for really vague because they have a personal, deep meaning to me and i wanted the reader (or listener) to find what it means to them and relate. The person i first showed them to told me they were non-sense and he saw no meaning to them, so i'm very relieved you can tell there's some sort of message. Thanks again! (and i'll post the song as soon as i've saved up enough for a mic and interface which should be soon)
Last edited by kamjam7 at May 19, 2011,
#4
i like this, very short and vague but with enough depth to think about, you have only chosen a few words but they sound quite moving, it reminds me of placebo, nice work.
#5
Thanks man, thats exactly what i want to hear! I want people to think about it and find their personal relations to them. I'll have to check out some of Placebo's stuff.