#1
Hello, I posted this up previously unfinished as Does Anyone Else Know What Protest Means? I've finished it now, so tell me what you think.

CRIT4CRIT ISM ISM ISM

Our insistent resistance
Dumbed down as cameras stare
Persistently vigilant
But still getting nowhere

Dissidents and militants
Are caculated and put here
Redundant judgement
Chicken-faced plastic fears

Educated and inundated
With questions of simple progress
Orchestrated then violated
"Big" men have a coarse caress

Gloomy oppurtunity
But "speak the truth man, speak"
Disunity in the community
"Those suits are so oblique man, so oblique!"

Don't bother to mention
That you're bothered
You'll only cause bother
For all else that are bothered.

Don't be certain that you're certain
about being uncertain about the
others that are certain just be certain
Thats its best to be uncertain about everything.

Say what you want
Do as you're told
Keep quiet
Carry On
Say what you want
Do as you're told
Keep calm
And just carry on
Last edited by Bag'ed at May 23, 2011,
#3
Cheers man, if theres anything you want us to look over then leave us a link.
#5
This was very good. I really enjoyed the theme, the layout, and the voice.

The only thing that I didn't like so much was the last three verses and the way they changed from the ones preceding it so drastically. The whole repeating thing almost came out of nowhere and didn't quite flow as well.

Still, that is only a minor qualm of mine, and even then it's just my interpretation. Not to mention the fact that I understand why it was put there in the first place. Anyway, good work, mate. Keep it up!
#6
Verse One does an excellent job of setting the tone and pace for the rest of this piece. I am not a huge fan of line 2, just because of "Dumbed down." For some reason I feel the language doesn't match the rest of the piece. What about replacing it with "Diluted?" Just a thought.

Verse Two keeps the pace and flow of the first verse very well. My only qualm is "Chicken-faced plastic fears." I just do not get the "Chicken-faced" reference.

My only criticism of Verse Three is that I am not a huge fan of the "'Big' men have a coarse caress" line. I have read this verse many times, and every time, it throughs off the flow for me a little.

I enjoy Verse Four, perhaps the most of all. However, I do not quite understand how "oblique" is used to describe "suits?"

Verse Five feels different from the rest. The repetition feels awkward and unexpected. Because of the rhyme scheme held through out the earlier bits never rhymed the same words with each other, doing it here does not feel right. It really draws attention to itself, in my opinion. Also, because of the repetition, I had to slow my pace to try and make sense of the verse.

The same goes for Verse Six. I feel this verse's repetition detracts from the overall effect of this poem.

At the conclusion in Verse Seven, we see another slight change in pace. I think you make it work, as it is the summing up of the piece, the end. The repetition here actually drives home a clear point, "carry on," and I think it works the way you have it. I believe you could have gotten away without the repetition, however, if you had chosen to.

Overall, I truly enjoyed this piece. The flow and rhythm were more than entertaining. The language and the rhymes are, for the most part, spot on and creative. My only criticisms are that there is a definite difference in the final three verses when contrasted with the first four. That, and the fact that some of lines might be worth another look. Other than that, good job. I look forward to reading more of your pieces in the future.

I apologize, I feel this wasn't the best critique I have done. I hope you found my pair of eyes at least minimally useful. If you feel so inclined, I have a piece of my own I have been trying to get people to critique for weeks, yet only a few generous souls have done so:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1436360

.
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.
Last edited by OctopusBricks at May 24, 2011,
#7
Thank you very much

The change of flow in stanza 5 and 6 were certainly ad-hoc, sort of like they were verses I'd written before hand that were jusy lying about and I thought it fit in with the theme. Bare in mind this is a song, so I have a lot more freedom to fit in different kinds of verses.

Using the word oblique was sort of a joke against all those pseuds who constantly talk about taking down the "New World Order", using big words and interesting concepts but using them in completely the wrong context.

Chicken-faced plastic fears is a comment on the majority of people acting scared of the events round the world like terrorism and tornadoes (chicken-faced) but really, they know in their heart of hearts that its never going to interfere with their lives, they're bothering for the sake of being bothered. Their worries are fake (plastic fears)!

But no, I am genuinely grateful for your comments OctopusBricks and AngryGoldfish, thanks again.