#1
I fall asleep and dream I am told
that I will see the gates
and fire from the ends of my hands
then I wake up
and go to my job as a manager at the burger king
in a foreign land, my home town
and I can’t feel a thing.
#2
the first three lines are quite powerful..evoke really good imagery
im not keen on the burger king line tbh (although I get that you are trying to contrast the dreamworld with reality)... if you work on developing the first three, you will have a nice piece
#3
I fall asleep and dream I am told
that I will see the gates
and fire from the ends of my hands
I just can't get into the flow of this. I've tried saying it in different ways, and changed it myself so that it better suits the eyes and ears, but it just doens't work. I honestly think you've got completely rework the way in which you've written it. I know what you're trying to say, but it's just a clumsy way of saying it, in my opinion. The only way I seem to make it work is listed below at the end.
then I wake up
and go to my job as a manager at the burger king
Again, I've written out a different way - a way that I personally prefer - that you can do what you will with. I don't mean it be offensive, like I'm trying to control you're writing, because I'm not - I assume you know that?
in a foreign land, my home town
and I can’t feel a thing.
This is where the piece comes to what I'm guessing it's solely about, I just wish you had led up to this point with more content and more clarity. It's almost completely wasted by the lumbering opening and the sudden change of imagery and vibe from firey hell to burger king. I can see why you did that - and it's a really cool idea - I just didn't think it worked out that well. Anyway, here is my revised version.


I fall asleep and dream that I am
told I will see the gates and fire
from the ends of my hands
then I wake up
and go to my job as manager at burger king
in a foreign land - my home town
- and I can’t feel a thing.



What do you think?

Could you give me your thoughts on my latest piece, please. It's "Words" in my signature.
#4
I don't mean it be offensive, like I'm trying to control you're writing, because I'm not - I assume you know that?

ha ,my thoughts on collaboration are w/ talking through music ideas, lyric ideas, etc., is that the more the better, and from my perspective, naturally I'd be of receiving opinions, ideas, changes, edits, keep this not that, usw., as widely as wished, Dan. That's what the 'ha' was about back there^^- what I'm trying to say here is 'e casa su casa'
(the waste land opened with sth like to pound, the better editor)
(another note: with writing, the thing I and many people need most is an editor with a wild streak )

with the revision, improved naturally (selbstverstaendlich- i.e. so natural as to be self-evident, little German in the haus), and I like it better,.. but, I might go one further to invite you to, if you like (wenn du Lust hast), feel free to use it in something of yours, in part or in full, however. And even, not necessarily limited to this one, usw. cheers
Last edited by parkt921k at May 22, 2011,