Overall I liked this song.
However, I did feel that the song started to drag slightly after a while.

The first breakdown, I felt could've done with the lead guitar entering slightly earlier, and some of the tranistions (especially that in and out of the third verse) sounded quite dissonant didn't imo flow entirely well.
The overall feel of the song is good, and I like what you are aiming to do here, but I think you need to work on some of the transistions for this song to help it flow from one part to another, and I'm sure a good vocal melody will help the song not to drag as much.