#1
my baby came and told me
he wasn't sure if life was real
if pigeons flew (if so, to where?)
if ribbons grew from womens hair
if gibbons knew the genes they shared
with little boys, cheeks freckled idly
by summer tides sliding in, perspiring
little thoughts of dinosaurs and bigger thoughts
of little spores (something they heard about in class) -
am I even sure? I kissed
his palms, his lips, his lungs, his slurred
words that scrape along his tongue,
his couture forehead etched demure
by thoughts that children have in flocks
(don't make him feel insecure!)
no worries, babe
no hurry to pave the streets I lay
I assure you I check on them everyday
gravel roads of endless thoughts, ending
each with a letterbox, mailing letters to no one in particular
well, anyone who'd listen -
well, anyone who'd stay.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
this was so smooth and wonderful-i feel like it took me a second to read. i'd like to give some nice poetic response, but alas, i'm too lazy. i will say that i like this as much as i like anything else (and i like some things quite a lot).

fantastic.
#4
thank you thank you thanks I haven't written something like this in a while mmmm


get ready for a bunch of blabber via me. summer has begun.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
Really fun to read... Loving the imagery and just the writing overall.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#6
a few spotty lines but nonetheless great great flow- this one really rolled off of the tongue.

only line I'd say to omit is the "don't make him feel insecure!" line as the exclaimation was a bit for me personally and I felt it stole a little of the mysteriousness and placid nature of the piece.

however, these lines-


if pigeons flew (if so, to where?)


his couture forehead etched demure


if ribbons grew from womens hair


were all so fantastically placed. well done.
#7
Usually I have a hard time wrapping my head around pieces like this but I really enjoyed reading this one; the thoughts were frenetic and the imagery was great and it felt like there was humor to it--it was all very compelling. I look forward to more
#8
Oh, I like this

It's got flow like ocean current - less than choppy, more like a river that feels no inclination to be white capped, white masked, so it goes under the radar, wondering about life like articulate infants who somehow know better than us where the pigeons go (they don't have to ask - that's just an attempt to make you smile or laugh).

The -ure- line is a little weird tossed in there like cellophane, because it hits a wall of bricks that sounds like flocks, and that percussion, between the cello lines of couture, demure, insecure (whose exclamation i enjoy), breaks the tide. by the end, I'm standing in an intersection, like at the end of Cast Away, and it doesn't matter the direction I'm going, because wherever the letters go, my thoughts will follow. and I will be with them there.

Lovely, Saadia. Really.
#9
I'll go ahead and echo what others have said and say that this has such a great ebb and flow to it. There were a few parts where I thought the rhymes were slightly forced (the gibbons-genes in particular). Nor was I a fan of the "slurred words that scrape along his tongue" only because I didn't think "slurred" and "scraped" necessarily fit well with one another. It didn't really make a clean image for me. But that's really nit-picky.

Anywho, the "couture forehead etched demure" line was one of those moments where your phrasing absolutely kills. I also loved the "gravel roads of endless thoughts" image as well. I thought this was so well done.
here, My Dear, here it is
#10


you guys are loooovely. really. i could marry any one of you and be happy i think, maybe some more than others but what is the use in judging levels of happiness? i am pleased.

as for the gibbon rhyme, its a thought i had actually had in my head long before the ribbons or pigeons (I've been involved in classes relating to animal psychology as of late and there was a particular study I enjoyed involving gibbons and music and communication) but i can totally see where that seems silly. alas, i am a silly person. things are things and stuff and such.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja