#1
(maybe this is a good edit..)

(or maybe this is a better one, edit 5-24 2:02am)

To do list:

-Jack Kerouac wrote mostly with just a pencil, so get a pencil

-go across the border to see Sigur Ros in Tijuana

- find or buy a mechanism of some sort that heightens as it tightens, preferably through the function of automatic syncronicity

- go to the army surplus store and buy an American flag with a symbol of an eagle on it, with a picture of the moon landing for good measure

-make it through the marsh and head on to dry land

-take a photograph of a phonograph

-watch the local chorus play syncopatedly in a park in a sound shell,
and watch to look to see if they're taking any glory in their musicianship

-park myself away where nothing can get kicked or keyed or broken off

-wrestle you to the ground

-try to avoid the man on the street who always says "money in my hand is green in the can"

-give someone at some point a once over and make my decision based on that information

-don't look at the interstate as somewhere where one can finally have their way

(and the last one: )

-try to make it through the day without saying "I've got to get the **** out of here."
Last edited by parkt921k at May 23, 2011,
#2
I did not much care for this piece. It feels like random sentences thrown together, aimless and like it is trying to be something that it is not. Sorry that I do not have anything else for you; it is just difficult for me to critique the individual lines of this piece when they don't feel like they fit together. This is my worst critique to date, so I apologize. Let me know if you post another piece, I would like to read some different works of yours.
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.