#1
That first night I went home
Soaked to the skin.
Crossed across
On the old train bridge,
Woke up on the floor with dreams-
Once I caught a bluegill
Hook went through the eyeball
Wavy water on the shadow walls.
#2
Strong start, but I don't quite see a connection between bluegill line, and the rest of the poem. It's all strong writing, good use of alliteration and your rhythm is good. As far as the meaning? I get a sense of mood, but the meaning alludes me. The bluegill line just comes out of nowhere, and you tried to connect it with the soaked skin (rain I assume), and then "wavy water", but the symbolism isn't inherent. I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say because of the "dreams" that the hook through the eyeball is supposed to represent a faulty vision of some sort, and the shadow walls also represent a sort of altered vision. Hmmm....I'm just uncertain. I'd like to see it expanded a bit more.

Crit?
The Sound of White
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#3
As far as the meaning?

setting: teenage years, i.e. train bridge (on foot, no car, sneakily (curfew)). going home through pouring rain, too exhausted from extreme inebriation to dry off take clothes off and get into bed. 'bluegill line'- meant it as what the dreams were about, a (bad) childhood memory. startled awake even though exhausted. the last line is my 'schoene aussicht'.. it could have been so much better, I could have at that moment been looking into a girl's eyes, instead of shapes on my wall reflected off the fishtank/pool/lake/pond with nightmares feeling like death.
_
Last edited by parkt921k at May 29, 2011,
#4
your description is sometimes more poetic than your poem
lovely thought though
you are hiding too much from the reader
poems are for feelings, for places, for memories, for objects... not just emotion.
there are ways to show what you're trying to show

ps: you're a little melodramatic and suicidal
for someone who so dramatically insulted my poem
i would've expected you to love it
Last edited by punchupatatigge at May 29, 2011,
#5
you have such good insight
and judging by your profile information you're finally almost old enough to buy beer, which of course means soon there'll be no more asking mom to pick up cold pearl beers (ala ronnie dobbs) at the corner store for you and your poetry club homeslices.
Last edited by parkt921k at May 30, 2011,