I hate being alone with my own thoughts. Whenever I’m with others there is absolutely no problem, but when I’m with myself I tend to over think things. It's like I have a voice in the back of my head, but it isn't anybody else’s voice but my own. It's not just my own voice though. It’s my voice, layered with negative connotations. An unnacepting, begrudging, self-pitying voice that refuses to let me think clearly when my mind is unoccupied by some sort of external stimulus. Why is it that we rely on ourselves for happiness? I wish my empowering phrase "Maybe we should stop relying on others for happiness, and start embodying it" actually worked. I have tried countless times to fix this problem, but am at a standstill. If the war inside my head won't quit for a minute I don't know what I’m going to do. My future is ridiculously fruitful, containing countless positives, and many opportunities that aren't open to your average person. Why can't I simply take advantage of these unique skills and opportunities and use them in a way that can help me? Why must I always think of the negatives and avoid the positives? Donnie Darko was an insanely intelligent boy with a very positive future, but something stood in his way as well. Maybe I’m going crazy just like Donnie, who knows. I've certainly found some distinct similarities between that movie character and myself. Sometimes I feel this tension building up inside my head, like something wants to escape. It's almost as if my mind is trying to do something, trying to have a moment of clarity, a catharsis, yet an entity outside of myself is holding me back from achieving this. I've tried to find god and have found many empowering phrases. One of my favorites-
"Breathe thorough the pulses of desire. Thy coolness and thy balm;
Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire;
Speak thorough the earthquake, wind, and fire,
O still small voice of calm. Drop thy still dews of quietness,
Till all our strivings cease; Take from us now the strain and stress,
and let our lives confess the beauty of thy peace.
Be still and know that i am god.
Be still, and know that I AM.
Be still.
Although this is a calming bible verse, I digress… Anyway, I simply can’t control my thoughts. I think that I may even be bipolar. My mood throughout the day fluctuates depending on my surroundings and my current mental state. I will be insanely sad one period of time, overly happy another, and completely out of it the next. Many of my friends say that I will stare at a wall for a half hour at a time, and then return to my usual self in a blink. I notice these changes, but am not completely conscious of them. When I play music, I feel at peace. When I listen to music, I feel accepted. When I am with my friends, most of the time, I feel normal. When I am with my girlfriend (who is most likely leaving me, but that’s a different story), I feel most like myself. When I am by myself, I feel isolated, confused, depressed, dissociated, and tend to ruminate on trivial matters. How can I force myself to be happy when I am all alone? As afore mentioned, I have an extremely bright future. An enlightening song that I have listened to recently by Bob Dylan has caused me to be very excited, yet inanely scared of what is to come in damn near 3 months. Shit that’s a scary thought, haha.

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

You know, I realized recently that I think significantly clearer when I have something to write or type on as opposed to speaking. I can better organize my thoughts this way, and tend to think more clearly, and more perfunctory. I think almost every day that if my girlfriend were to leave me, I would be devastated. But get this; conversely I realize that it doesn’t matter at all. The times they are a-changin’. What matters now doesn’t mean shit in the near future. So why do I let it bother me so much? I do know that I would be completely destroyed mentally if I were to be dumped, but I also know that I would have absolutely no reason to be upset. I should live my life to the fullest, stop thinking, start living, stop worrying about trivial matters, and start worrying about things that do matter like getting my thoughts organized and ready for college. As you can see, I know exactly what I am supposed to do, and have the propensity to do all of it. The problem is, I have absolutely no idea how to start fixing my thoughts. My top priority for months has been to have the capability to feel “sane”. I want to feel like I do in my, you could say “manically happy” states, all the time. My depressive states are really bringing me down. The part that really gets me is the fact that I am unjustifiably depressed. I feel that some people have a reason to be depressed, and that I don’t. I have everything in my life lined up, everything prepared, abilities able to be utilized in a split second. I have friends, a girlfriend, intelligence, talent, and a uniqueness that sets me apart from the average person. People used to think that the earth was the center of the universe. Well I guess I think that I’m the center of the universe. What happens when you think too much about yourself, and don’t worry about others in the slightest? Self-pity is one of the worst things that a human body can do to itself and to others. Am I pretentious, or am I just in a state of heightened self-realization? How does one go about recognizing their faults if they are never told directly by anybody what they are doing wrong? Why does nobody have the balls to challenge me on whatever I’m doing wrong?
No one cares.
Most of the important things

in the world have been accomplished

by people who have kept on

trying when there seemed to be no hope at all