#1
I'm in this big ordeal with this girl it's a long story but anyways I wrote a song about it, tell me what you think? (It's not finished yet though)

well if it makes makes you happy to be with another man,
and if he makes you happy I'll be as happy as I can,
and the sun will set and the days'll go by
and I'll be thinking of you,
and all I can do is wait.
well the times we had and the laughs we shared were great
but now it's to late. You've already moved on and all I can do is wait

Thanks.
#2
in my opinion it's way too wordy and descriptive of all the wrong things. your saying this happened, this will happen...its all actions. what connects us with songs is the feelings. not everyone knows what its like to come home to find that your girl has packed everything and left. we have not all had that experience. yet, almost all of us know what it would FEEL like.

for example, one of my songs has a similar feeling, and the chorus goes "everyone is telling me to let go/everything you used to say to me echoes/and now i'm alone/and it feels you were never here with me/i'm alone/with these echoes." i don't show that to glorify my own song, i show it because there's almost no action in it. you don't know why we broke up, how long we were together, what we did together, or what things look like now. the emphasis is instead focused on whats its like to live with a memory.

emotional emphasis not only reads better in lyrics by itself, but it also helps you write a lot easier. you're not trying to make a story fit in verses and choruses so it conveys emotion, instead youre just writing the emotion down.

keep working on it
#3
I mostly agree with Briman...

But I don't think a bit of storytelling is that bad. Of course emotions should be the main factor if it's a song like this, but I dunno...