#1
lyrics for a kind of long folk song. one of the favorites of mine, song wise.

***
Leave the sails down
when there is not a trade wind
we left the shore
at least two months ago.
prepared the maps
on a polyester bed-sheet
with the dotted line
pointed off one end

And I'm breathin' a lot harder
it can't be that much further
but the clouds still block the stars
And I swore at this feeling
that's keeping me kneeling
against my bunk late at night

In the morning when the
sun was barely shinning
I saw a break
within the frozen air
It occurred to me that
I should have been on look out
As I began to run towards
the captian's chair

And I'm breathin' a lot harder
it can't be that much further
but the clouds still block the stars
And I swore at this feeling
that's keeping me kneeling
against my bunk late at night

Pass the bow I steered it
That rock, it's face was jagged
Port side could never clear it
and began to sink after not long

That's part of my pity cry
It's still so wrapped up in the sauce
Have to know some questions why?
Like when you've lost everything before

I sit alone at night in bed
Half asleep but still alert
Can still hear our childrens' cry
from back before we built the boat.

I kept the flag we waived so high
from where we would have called “land-hoe!”
For now we rest in fancy tents
And poach the last remaining animals

In a bottle was a note
I had addressed to you
I know it's cliche
but I had no choice
within an hour it was
resting at my feet again
until I realized it was
a different one

From Lexington Harbor
who knows how much further
it had left on it's course
I was tempted to break it
open and then read it
but it was stamped 1682

Made me question the present
The while escape within us
That bows and takes a seat when
There is nothing left to prove.
#2
Just read this once quickly, got a bit of a Decemberists vibe but that might just be because of the subject matter. I'll crit more when I've got more time.
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If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#3
Quote by streetcarp19
lyrics for a kind of long folk song. one of the favorites of mine, song wise.

***
Leave the sails down
when there is not a trade wind
we left the shore
at least two months ago.
prepared the maps
on a polyester bed-sheet
with the dotted line
pointed off one end

I love the last part, that the dotted line off the bedsheet suggests an indeterminable destination, the idea of not knowing quite where one is heading.

And I'm breathin' a lot harder
it can't be that much further
but the clouds still block the stars
And I swore at this feeling
that's keeping me kneeling
against my bunk late at night

good, establishing the unease that accompanies a difficult journey.

In the morning when the
sun was barely shinning
I saw a break
within the frozen air
It occurred to me that
I should have been on look out

As I began to run towards
the captian's chair

The rhythm of this line is a bit jarring, I'd find a different way to state that. Focus on alliteration, consonance, beat, etc.


And I'm breathin' a lot harder
it can't be that much further
but the clouds still block the stars
And I swore at this feeling
that's keeping me kneeling
against my bunk late at night

As far as this being a repeating chorus, I think I'd like it better without the last line because it doesn't establish a particular time or place, but instead generalizes the entire emotion during this journey.

Pass the bow I steered it
That rock, it's face was jagged
Port side could never clear it
and began to sink after not long

Bit awkward as well.

That's part of my pity cry
It's still so wrapped up in the sauce
Have to know some questions why?
Like when you've lost everything before

Not quite sure what you're referring to here. Everything in this song so far is fairly specific and this is too vague to carry it along. Do you have to know questions, or answers? Is he contemplating the ship sinking?

I sit alone at night in bed
Half asleep but still alert
Can still hear our childrens' cry
from back before we built the boat.

First time so far we're introduced to these children. Could have used hints about children earlier in the piece for this to have an emotional impact. Also "our children" implies a spouse of some kind, where is she?

I kept the flag we waived so high
from where we would have called “land-hoe!”
For now we rest in fancy tents
And poach the last remaining animals

Did the ship sink? Are they on a deserted island and living in shanty homes? You implied that is sunk earlier, and I think your poeticism here "fancy tents" is making the narrative a bit confusing. Try and clarify. Think about place.

In a bottle was a note
I had addressed to you
I know it's cliche
but I had no choice
within an hour it was
resting at my feet again
until I realized it was
a different one

Okay, I'm pretty positive he's on an island now. I think your choice of pronouns throughout the whole song has made this a bit confusing. We need to know who "we" is and "you". I'm assuming he's ship-wrecked and is now speaking to his wife that's far off somewhere.

From Lexington Harbor
who knows how much further
it had left on it's course
I was tempted to break it
open and then read it
but it was stamped 1682

Made me question the present
The while escape within us
That bows and takes a seat when
There is nothing left to prove.
That adjective is odd. I'm not sure what to do with it. It definitely ends with a strong sense of hopelessness, which is fitting.


All in all, you've got some good ideas here and I think the story is very appropriate for a folk song. Just some adjusting to make the narrative clearer is all it needs. Good work.
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If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#4
thanks for the suggestions. I will look into them and I think they are very heolpful. It is quite frusturating at times writing actual lyrics as oppose to thriving in free verse, and reading this though again it really hits home. Oh well, at least this grounds me a little so I am not writing about something even I don't understand.