#1
with apologies to Wayne Shorter.

On the bandstand
his bourbon face stares searchingly into the audience
“dada doo, dee dep dee! dep, doo wa dada dee wa”
ba ba BA baa, de dap! a doo wop da DA DO deeda ba!’
he pauses for breath, the band glances at him
aware they pull back to allow him his conjugal right
his syncopated phrases flirt with the room
he reaches the last few bars of his solo
summoning up-
one final dialogue
“Now
he’s on the floor panting
like a dog
on the floor panting
struggling like a dog
like a panting man
dog on the floor
on a dog who's struggling
panting from the man
grow your nose
my pinnochio
my pinnochio says its time”
the crowd applaud knowingly
it was a good solo
a tired face groans back towards his band
they know he’s played this before.
#2
having read your three latest i have a thought as to your fatal flaw:
completely
contrived.

outside of that, you have rhythm, diction, the "dadadoo--" part is excellent, but no voice. have a thought as to what you're trying to get at.
if you're not getting at anything, then you're failing to show that properly. "conjugal right" "applaud knowingly". its too much reveal. feels like you're trying to say something by saying something else.

as far as your snarky responses to my piece, even though you did not respond to my poem, i will give you a tip;
i may be an asshole, but i always give my honest opinion. some people here actually have talent. i would never tell them otherwise. don't be a troll.
learn some respect.

i am only giving you a rating as a gesture of revenge. my interest in this conflict ends with my final insult.
6.5/10.
suffers from true lack of inspiration
clearly a head behind the screen though,
just wish it produced something better.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at May 29, 2011,
#3
i can't remember what my last three were, anyway this isn't the place to call something contrived, i've never done that. I guess I've tried to have respect in that regard.

but yeah all valid points, but i really wouldn't say this lacked inspiration - maybe execution. i'm a musician, this is about jazz improvisation - this stuff is inspiring to me - if you didn't dig that or get that from this piece then you are right, its not doing anything.

I also give my honest opinion, constructively as you're meant to in this forum. I also don't give advice to people when I can't take it myself.

Seriously though, peace.
#4
Awww you guys, your funny
But besides all that gubbins up there
i liked this piece gave me a lil thought or two, very nice, just ummm the whole pinocchio thing don't quite sit right with me
i get the puppet thing and the whole lier thing but hmmm never mind im hungover
#5
'if you're not getting at anything, then you're failing to show that properly. "conjugal right" "applaud knowingly". its too much reveal. feels like you're trying to say something by saying something else.'

improvisational style is very interesting. it means you're not getting at anything. which is great. accidental, impassioned art. thats what i was talking about in the above critique. those words distance the reader from the improvisation.