#1
This is a work in progress. It may never be finished, because I can't think of an ending.

I crit truthfully and always return the favour.
I am a dedicated critter!

CRIT4CRIT ISM ISM ISM

The polished Polish gent, was a
Barren baron to the minor miners.
“One of us is hurt!” they cried
“He’ll heal, he’ll heal” the gent replied.

The gent has medals for his meddling deeds
Complementary compliments for
Pleasing pleas.

Views the people through peepholes
And weakens every week
Lives life live though, lives life live!
Though it seems that living life live,
Tore him at the seams

Unhand me sir, so I may carry on!
You shan’t walk again, when you are defeated.
Befriend me swine, so you may go on home!
Remember me please, so I’m no longer alone.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
Last edited by Bag'ed at May 31, 2011,
#2
I get a very Dr. Seuss kinda vibe with this one. Lots of homophonic words, and is slightly confusing, but still tells a good story. I do feel as there is a fair disconnect between the 2nd and 3rd stanzas. In the first part you are talking about miners and gentle men, and then you are talking about a pervert of some kind. It almost seems like you just put two pieces together to make one. But then again, I didnt write it.
Caution:
This post may contain my opinion and/or inaccurate information.

Current Rig:
2006 PRS CE-24
Mesa/Boogie Mark V
Voltage S212 w/ V30's
Strymon Timeline
CMATMods Signa Drive
TC Electronics Corona & Hall of Fame
#3
even though the second line makes no sense, taken within the whole thing, maybe it does work, because that's maybe the point. (also rhyme people with peepholes sehr gut, bit like lil waynes justification and just a vacation)

liked the tore him at the seams line, within the feel here, and the last line, in that it gave a solidity to it, they gave the last two stanzas strength

only part that wrong way rubbed me was 'lives life live!', and even though the exclamation point makes up a bit, i.e. accentuating the jabberwockian feel, it doesn't quite make up for it.. i'm still afterwards a bit bothered by the meaninglessness of the word order.

I was just on the forum of this musician I like, and I was thinking that if this was a blog post or something, of an artist/musician, when taken in the context of that person's body of work and read by fans or whoever, it would be really, really cool - not saying it ain't by any stretch just taken by itself. I like it and I'd like to see this style in even a pages long poem, or broken up into parts or sth, but this one scenario came to mind.
#4
Bump for frustration, I'm going to crit this myself tomorrow...
It isn't just nonsense, there is a point!
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#5
SELF-CRIT SORT OF THING. *PRETENSION ALERT*

Thank you for your comments guuuuuuys. This was just a quick thing I wrote to see if I could use homophones effectively; its safe to say I had mixed results.

Each stanza is is a little sort of nod towards things that I don't like, and things I'm sure a lot of other people don't like.

"The polished Polish gent was a barren baron to the minor miners"
In Britain, most of the bigots point towards the Polish as the main cause from British unemployment (I know, its dumbass). Historically, Britain has had a rich mining industry. Therefore, I poked fun at bigotry placing the Polish gent as a terrible boss to the slaving British workers; If it was a British boss pushing round Polish people, they'd undoubtedly be arseholes.

2nd Stanza:Have you ever noticed that seemingly stupid dick'eds are glorified and championed by stupid people? Ever watched Britains Got Talent? Ever heard of Simon Cowell? Maybe the 2nd stanza is a nod towards that side of things, but staying cohesive with the first stanza.

The 3rd stanza; HORRIBLE RICH PEOPLE HAVE BETTER LIVES THAN YOU. Don't fret though, they die too. They live their lives LIVE, they have fun, they travel the world, eat out the finest *****s, eat better food and do what they want. WE DON'T. All of this living though will make them lose touch though, and they'll lose grip on reality soon enough.

The final stanza:
YOU CAN'T CARRY ANYTHING IF YOU HAVE NO HANDS
YOU CAN'T WALK IF YOU HAVE NO FEET
IF YOU'RE A FOOL YOUR FRIENDS WILL LEAVE YOU
IF YOU'RE COOL THEN YOU'LL BE LET BACK INTO A GROUP.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
Last edited by Bag'ed at Jun 3, 2011,
#6
your explaination really helped, mainly because im american and dont know jack about polish people and whatnot.

poetry that is seemingly nonsensical as a whole always escaped me, but in the realm of poets its pretty cool, so i don't really have a problem with the lack of cohesiveness. i would say, however, that while you have a unifying theme of the stanzas represent things YOU dont like, that doesn't translate to a reader well. maybe adding some lines to express clarity to what each stanza represents and the negative aspects will help unify it to other people

lastly, instead of "lives life live," id change it to "lives life alive." it still fits pretty well as far as being homophonic, but is much clearer and reads better
#7
Thanks man! I can't believe I didn't think of "alive" it was so obvious..

As for the things I don't like, I get that poetry is supposed to be universal and all that, but I know I'm not alone in Robin Hood attitude.
Power to the poor, death to the rich!

But there never really was a quest for people to understand; like I say it was just a tester. If people got it; good. If people didn't; doesn't matter, try harder next time.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#8
After you explained it, it made a lot more sense to me. Props for being poets!
Caution:
This post may contain my opinion and/or inaccurate information.

Current Rig:
2006 PRS CE-24
Mesa/Boogie Mark V
Voltage S212 w/ V30's
Strymon Timeline
CMATMods Signa Drive
TC Electronics Corona & Hall of Fame
#9
This piece does not have a consistent flow, which made reading it less enjoyable. And overall, it feels like the piece is a vehicle for random homonyms. That said, they are clever, despite the fact that I fail to see the meaning behind the story here. I am sorry I don't really have more for you. Perhaps I need to get back into the groove of writing critiques...

.
"If you don't live by the praises of men you won't die by their criticisms." -Bill Johnson
Verbosity is your enemy.
#10
I'm not sure if this is more Shakespeare or Wentz. Here you go, little critter.

첫번째 절:
Oh, a polished Pole. So it's a fine person who is misconceived to be ignorant by some young dudes. Speaking of conceptions, "barren" made me think of a woman who can't get pregnant, or a wasteland. Cute. Your trick with "He'll heal" might work with perfect enunciation, but more often than not, what you have is neither a homonym nor a homophone. The average person would say "he'll" in a manner closer to "hill" than "heal," even though the long e sound is uniformly used when "he" is alone and not under the contract with "will." That's my American perspective.

두번째 절:
Who would reward a meddler? If you're going to side with the gentleman, use a more positive term, or at least a neutral one. If not, then draw your lines more clearly. And what deeds? You need to muster more literary mettle because your writing's pricking my patience, nettle by nettle. And compliments don't usually have to be comp'ed like that. Yes, "pay a compliment" exists in English diction, but the juxtaposition of the homophones is inapt. What you're saying is that he's congratulated for being good at asking for help. "That Polack is one hell of an asker."

셋째 절:
"Lives life live" is annoying the first time. By the third time, I wanted to suplex my laptop from the top of the Patronus Towers, taking the skyway with me, which is what you're doing with the language here. In a literal sense, how does anyone else live? Living in a stasis? Suspended animation?

넷째 절:
Ah, more puns, but they oppose each other. Unhanding someone lets them go free so they can go about their business, but taking off their hands makes it so that carrying things is much more difficult. Contrastingly, defeating someone could result in death (or crawling away in shame), and removing their feet also makes walking difficult. Okay then... The ending couplet is illogical.

My lower vocal register is raw from all the groaning. As a display of wordplay and a writ of wit, it's fine. As a coherent narrative, it has its head up its own arse while yelling, "Aren't I clever? I'm saying such clever things!"

And now, to critique your mirror-smashing.

Shard Six:
Put a colon after "stanza." Is there any reason "stanza" was capitalized in the previous paragraph? Huh. You're rhyming in prose (you, too) and using a visual rhyme (though, enough). It's unclear what you mean by "*****s" as the plural forms of the 5-letter profanities I know don't simply end with an s. Perhaps my lexicon is incomplete. And what about the good rich people? Or are you saying that's an oxymoron? And if you are, then why bother redundantly putting "horrible" in the first place?

Shard Two:
You need a comma after "comments." "Thing" is such a vague word.

Shard Seven:
Fools have friends. Generally speaking, people of similar intellect levels stick together, but even smarter people let idiots hang on for the entertainment value. When I was growing up, I had an idiot friend who fought inanimate objects when he was drunk. Back on topic, calling someone "swine" and saying that makes the speaker a fool isn't necessarily true, depending on delivery. And if you're cool, why would you be ostracized in the first place?

Shard One:
This is vague, but "pretension" is the word most appropriate for the piece. Morrissey would blush a hue as red as a rare steak.

Shard Five:
Again, any reason the "s" in "stanza" is uppercase here but not the proceeding paragraph? And why don't you put "the" as the first word, but you do for the following two? Put a space after the colon. "Dick'eds" is an improper truncation if you're using it in the pejorative sense I suspect. "Britain's" has an apostrophe. Lose the comma after "things" and change "but" to "while" or "whilst." Beyond that, I suppose your explanation helps, but I disagree with it meshing well with the previous stanza. Also, it's not always the stupid who deify "seemingly stupid dick'eds." General Patton was bellicose, but he was effective. And what of the people who see the merit of such people?

Shard Three:
The comma is unnecessary here and makes my pants itchy. I didn't even know they had feelings. You have a lot of "things" in such little space. Isn't it crowded?

Shard Four:
"Main cause of." If you like it, then you should have put an apostrophe in "its." Since you used a semi-colon, "if" should be lowercase. Similarly, because of "if," I would change "was" to "were" if I were you. Also, are the Poles spherical? I think not. Place either an apostrophe or the first letter of the alphabet before that shape so I don't get bent out of one. With the content, I'm a little unclear. You seem to shift focus from one peccadillo to another. I might be wrong.

There's a disconnect between what you said and what you're saying you said. Ah well. Keep everything I said in mind while you take it to heart and write it in your diary 42 times. Thanks for giving me something to do during this monsoon morning and afternoon. Be well, keep it real, and keep rockin' on the free world, Baggy.
I am a fake mountain.
#11
Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus Dan! I always appreciate anytime spent critiquing but I think you looked into this one a little too much!

You hit the nail on the head with "look how clever I am" bit. I just wanted to see if I could write something coherent whilst having fun with words. I didn't really write it expecting praise and to change lives haha.

But anyway, I really enjoy how you write these crits. They're fun to read and you evoke a very distinct voice. Its like I'm actually talking to you, rather than reading it.

Oh, and surely pretension is a matter of perspective? I think your response could be regarded as pretentious to some because you felt the need to exstensively pull apart a piece that has clearly been stated as a work in progress and in the comments I said myself that it wasn;t serious at all. And theres no problem with that, but I think sometimes you come across as a little too self-assured. Its like you prefer looking at my scalp rather than my eyes. Was the pretentious? Probably. Its probably pretentious to talk about being pretentious. Its a vicious cycle. Is it pretentious to refer to pretention as a vicious cycle? Probably. Is it pretentious to call pretention a vicious cycle and demonstrate the point with some boring words? Probably.

Anyway, that wasn't a telling-off. I just thought I'd raise the issue.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
Last edited by Bag'ed at Jul 12, 2011,
#12
Thank ye, Baggy. Don't worry about my time - it didn't take that long to type. If it comes across as a rant, that's why.

Sometimes, I do things to be a wiener. Since the problem you admitted was pretentiousness, I exploited that problem in my response to show how annoying it can be. I used the same mimicry tactic on a guy who, for all intents and purposes, posted a thesis on sound as part of his review of an effect pedal in GG&A. He missed the point entirely and called me a troll. Shrugsies. Insert Puck's closing soliloquy from A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Anyway, it's time for me to get dressed and get to work. Maybe I should write something... Be well.
I am a fake mountain.