#1
what are you thinking about?


i'm not sure



try to tell me


why?



i want to make a picture book of your thoughts


but i am a snake



you are water


you are correct



i can't think that way


i know



just don't hurt me please


of course not - just don't get hurt.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
Some of the lines here are really interesting, although the two 'characters' seem to change suddenly somewhere around the "you are water" line, and the subject shift feels forced and too abrupt.

The dialogue on the left shifts from feeling maybe somewhat young and playful to frightened and confused, while the dialogue on the right starts off sounding nonchalant and uninterested to sly and possibly sinister. I'm just not believing it, you know? I don't feel like there's enough here to change the tone so drastically and suddenly. Maybe I'm just not reading it the way you wrote it.

The last two lines were brilliant.
#3
I feel like the dialogue was making quite a bit of sense (even if it was a bit cryptic) up until the water line. At that point, it becomes seemingly random and I had a harder and harder time extracting any sort of meaning from it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it. But, I think for it's length it's a bit lacking in substance (at least any substance that the reader is able to associate with). Other than the 4/5th and last two lines, it came together really well. However, those two sort of jumped out as out of place and seemingly irrelevant to the rest of the dialogue. But then again, it may just be an insufficient analysis on my part. I think I'll give it another read or two.
#4
You mentioned a little while back that you'd be coming out with a lot of randomness now that it's warmer; nice to see you're delivering

I have a hard time finding the meanings behind these types of pieces, but I liked this, it feels very simple, calm, flowing, even despite the shift in tone that the others mentioned. It feels like it's coming naturally despite its randomness, and that you can pull that off is what I find appealing in your pieces.

Kudos
#5
i agree with canvas and winter sky, although i think it stopped making sense at the snake line. the style itself is very interesting and that type of "dialogue" could really take it somewhere, but instead it seemingly went nowhere
#6
I loved the pseudo-absurdist dialogue but have to disagree with Winter Sky on the last two lines. This felt like a fun, light-hearted read and those two didn't really fit with this in my opinion, but I still enjoyed this.

Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#7
For some reason when I read this it made me think of the OutKast song "Stanklove" where there's this dialogue between a man and a woman that starts off the song. Content-wise it has nothing to do with this but I imagined that same man and that same woman speaking this dialogue as well. Like most people I can't seem to crack the whole "but i am a snake"-"you are water" transition and i would love to hear your rationale for it. but for the most part i rather enjoyed this. the last two lines are great as is the premise for the poem. it's simple but there's a lot of starkness in here
here, My Dear, here it is