#1
I tried to breathe
I tried to sleep
Without you next to me
But I can't
I tried to breathe
I tried to sleep
Without you next to me
But I can't

Everyone's telling me to let go
Everything you used to say to me echoes and now
I'm alone and it feels that you were never here with me
I'm alone, with these echoes

People turn
See the look in my eyes
I'm thinking of you
And it shows
People turn
See the look in my eyes
I'm thinking of you
And it shows

Everyone's telling me to let go
Everything you used to say to me echoes and now
I'm alone and it feels that you were never here with me
I'm alone, with these echoes
#2
I like how in the piece you echoed what you were saying.

my corrections would be:
Everyone's telling me to let go
Everything you used to say to me, *echoes now,*
I'm alone and it feels that you were never here with me
I'm alone, *alone* with these echoes

its just a few tweaks. Otherwise it is pretty good
#3
wickwing, youre first correction (echoes now) doesn't really fit because the "and now" is a lead in to the next line. however, the second addition of alone is just a simple one, but it'll fit perfectly as an echo in the rest. thanks for the suggestion
#4
I thought this was a little too generic for my liking man.
To me it seems like you're saying the same thing over and over again, but that may be the point (Echoes and that).
That is the point I understand whilst writing. Hmmm.

I don't know man, I don't how to take this. I couldn't connect with it really, I think its all been done before.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#5
well, music definitely helps, considering it is 50% of the equation. but i agree with your point. if i were to read this as poetry, its just bland. but the guitars and melody help to add the emotional emphasis that transform bland lyrics into (in my opinion) a song that attacks parts of your heart you didnt know were there.

and it has been done before, theres nothing original about my songwriting or most songwriting, for that matter. i rarely set out to write something new, i just put emotion and feelings into words and chords. but i do appreciate the input
#6
Quote by briman007

Everyone's telling me to let go
Everything you used to say, echoes
I'm alone and it feels that you were never here with me
I'm alone, with these echoes
<< i'd say change these two lines but im not too sure how


its pretty good though, i like its simplicity, keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
Last edited by leafwhisperer at Jun 4, 2011,
#7
the repeating of the lines to emphasize the "echoes" is a novel and pretty sweet trick my good man. As a song im sure it will work quite well.

I would change this line:
I'm alone and it feels that you were never here with me
to:
I'm alone and it feels that you were never here

Reason being, its redundant because the point is implied over and over and, for song purposes, it gives you more time to hang on "here" which goes over quite well imo.

Just a thought brudda, good ideas man!

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1448495
#8
this song just screams echoes really. everything left and right is being repeated over and over again. but at the same time, i think thats really all its got going for it. i feel like the idea of this is great, and that the concept could go far - but it doesnt strike me at the moment as something that has a lot of substance. it feels empty, and there are definitely better ways for you to describe your lonliness after your girl has left you. all in all, it needs work methinks. but great idea nonetheless.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1447451
#9
its funny, im getting alot about the repetition going with the title "echoes" but i didn't even try it really...i just wrote the verse and couldn't come up with continuations on them, so i just repeated them haha totally accidental

thanks everyone for the crits though, ill try and maybe get a video or something up so you can see how the music works with the lyrics...while it wont make the lyrics any better, it should give you some idea of whether the SONG is good or not

merriman, i always hate doing this because i feel i seem unopen to suggestions, but the "with me" at the end of that line is again, a lead in to the next line. taking it out would ruin the flow, so at the very least, two syllables need to be there. changing those words to something else would work, but those two syllables are necessary
#10
I agree with teaBag'ed. I don't like it. It's not bad, it's just not good. I think it's just a boring concept.
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My ex did the same. Cheated on me and then acted like I'd given her sister a facial. Women are retarded.