#1
Wrote this in work today, music starts slow, builds up, then slows


Do you
Feel me
Inside your veins?
I thought
I'd see
But I'm not sane
Not sane

Walk along
And walk alone
Trade the empty room
For the empty road
I don't fear you
But I'm afraid
You are gone
Yet still you stay
Still you

Stay with me
Though you're

Gone
Away
Now for good
Led
Astray
Knew you

Would not give
Breaking
Down I go
To re-

Turn
Back
Down
Cast
Out
Side
Line
Crossed

Kill me
I'm trigger happy
Kill me, I'm trigger happy
Kill me
I'm trigger happy
Kill me, I'm trigger happy

Til the end
Well begin
This silence is
So deafening
I burn in hell
And freeze to death
Took it all
But nothing's

Left to hold
You are gone
#3
I agree with Merriman44, i think it'd make sense more with the music, sometimes it helps the lyrics stand out

An idea for the title, i'm just throwing it out there so take it or leave it if you choose, would be Ubiquitous. Ubiquitous is an adjective that describes something or someone as having or seemingly having the ability to be everywhere at once. But as i said take it or leave it.

Either way, good song
#4
Ya, I don't think I made that clear. Alot of times when people write lyrics instead of poems they get dogged a bit in the forum. Unfortunately you don't always have room for a 14 word/line poem. It just doesn't fit the music usually.

So with that said, this could be great with the right tunes behind it probably.
#5
unfortunately, i dont see an mp3 coming any time soon because not only do i rarely have time to do much recording anymore (its funny how the more involved you get the more of a pain in the ass it becomes) but also because, having written it just a few days ago, i haven't had the chance to get the music from my head onto the paper. thanks for the crits though
#6
a long overdue crit sorry about that

I could kinda see where you were going with this one. The structure of the piece gave me the feeling of a start-stop mood, where you're barely sure of where you're at in your head (backed up by the lines "I thought" and the repetition of sane, almost as if to reassure yourself). The single line stanzas were less convincing though, most with words that gave only a small impact even when put into context. Kill me I'm trigger happy, was a really provoking line, which you love to write I assume(something I remember from critiquing your other piece) - and it did its job well. However, to fall out of the quirkiness of a lack of clarity from earlier in the piece in the 2nd to last stanza wasn't something I necessarily approved of. The last stanza wasn't also as impacting as it could be. I do recommend putting in something powerful and though provoking like "Kill me I'm trigger happy" at the end, if you really want to leave your listener walking away with shivers in his/her bones.
#7
thanks crisis, when i wrote it i wasn't a huge fan of the ending, basically because while i knew it was dying down and ending, i wasn't sure whether to end it in that stanza (musically, the chorus so to speak) or to have an additional verse, and on top of that i didnt really like the words themselves, either, so i definitely agree about that and the ending will have to be redone.

about the single word lines...they are somewhat nonsense haha all i can say to that is that each line pairs up with the one after it (turn back, back down, down cast, cast out, etc) but as for a greater meaning to what that stanza is trying to convey, there wasnt really one intended. it was just meant to be more word play to bridge a musical transition.

thanks for the crit