#1
I REALLY like this piece. There are a couple words that I'd like to change but haven't gotten to it yet. Let me know if you enjoy it as much as I do.

I also never put my poems to music, but I wrote a cool acoustic part to this. Maybe I'll upload it to youTube and post it here.

My skin rose from the shivers
sent down my spine,
and I closed my eyes
to somehow shut out the pain,
causing a shutter from the
camera that took the picture
which ended my
life.

The flash bang,
silent pop
that left sparkles
dancing in front of my eyes
was only half the battle
inside this god forsaken,
love-infested, and rotted out
mind.

I wish you could smell
the smell that festers
throughout my body.
My eyes flip back and
forth to maybe catch a glimpse
of the man slowly
stopping my
breathing.

And she smiled at my
stereotypical sexist remark of
"you sick bastard"
and kissed my lips,
as if she had a clue.

And I woke up
felt for the scar
and licked my lips;
chapped as the church's
cathedral topper.

I wasn't kissed.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Jun 3, 2011,
#2
i dont understand it at all but its really cool. good imagery and some real strong phrases in there
#3
The only thing I can think of is read it a couple more times. I didn't think it was THAT ambiguous.
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#4
That was dealt good in some sick morbid twisted way- meaning= I LOVED IT!! I think that songs/stories with a twist really makes the listener/ reader interested. You sort of remind me o Poe, in a more modern fun kind of way--- did you ever consider writing poetry? If so you should really publish some of your work
#5
I thought it was a cool ride. I kinda imagined everything happening that you described, and I got a montage of sexual fantasy mixed in with a twisted sense of romance. Although the deeper meanings behind the images elude me at this moment in time, I can feel them already hinting at the concepts you are describing to having something there. I can't quite put my finger on it.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1447451
#6
Thanks guys I actually write poetry, and have a couple published pieces. I appreciate your read and critique lemme know if you want me to read any of your stuffs.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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#7
I dig this, it was interesting and well-written.
I just had two minor comments- in the first stanza, I personally feel like "life" shouldn't be on a separate line and in the third stanza, I feel like using "smell" twice could be worded better.
Like I said, minor things- I liked this overall.
#8
Folks, can you make sure that you're not bumping a thread that belongs to a user who already has two threads currently on the front page. There are two users now that have more than two threads on the front page, which means other people will be bumped off.

I like both writers very much and am not being a bitch, but I'm going to have close this thread. Since it is the oldest, it makes the most sense over the others. When it has fallen from the front page, you may ask me to re-open again, if you wish.