#1
CRIT4CRIT
BETWEEN THE STYROFOAM CUPS

Between the styrofoam cups
On a love-hate thin line
Hungry vultures sit with
Birds of paradise.
You're still trying to figure
Out which one I am
I'm the man in the window
With the gun in his hand.
I won't let anything come
Between you and me
You made me smile so much
I went trigger happy.

Moonshine, moonshine
In a styrofoam cup,
To light the dark sky
'Til you call me back up.

I have a tendency to cut
Straight to the point
Such a razor sharp edge
It cut down the line.
I keep my window open
Hoping to hear you 'cross the way
But all get is a carpet
Soaked in whiskey and rain.
So I look down below
At all that fell and died
And wonder, between me and them
Who's really more alive.

Moonshine, moonshine
In a styrofoam cup,
To light the dark sky
'Til you call me back up.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jun 26, 2011,
#2
I liked this. The flow was marginally off in a couple random lines, but ideas come before flow in my opinion. The only rhyme I didn't like was me/happy in the first stanza. It felt forced, and 'happy' is such an awkward rhyming word to begin with.

Other than that, this was great. I love the refrain.