#1
C4C! Its a long one but it tells a story. Let me know what you think and have no fear of being nasty. Just trying to get better.

Shattering first morning light
Incandescent glare
Glinting like a diamond
Dripping blood, despair
Destruction of nations
Balanced on the hilt
It awaits the sacrifice
And myself, I bear the guilt

Annihilated the army
that was mine to lead
Now only I remain
Here among the slain
Upon my swift retreat
I fell upon the stone
One that bore the promise
I could save my land alone

Blade of the forefathers
Crusher of souls
when the metal reaches skin
My will implodes

casso priores
Read the manuscript
and I could feel the power
emanating from the grip
Having no alternative
uprooted blade from stone
blood began to boil
as I began to moan

course through veins, corruption complete
it’s taking control, it’s taking its toll
I’ve been deceived, dread freezes heart
Blade grips my hand, my life matters not
Its will now my own, my master, my slave
Who needs a nation, when I bear the blade
I’ll destroy them all!
None can be saved!
I’ll destroy them all!
Its will I obey!

Blade of the forefathers
Crusher of souls
When the metal reaches skin
Your will implodes
There‘s no escape
Its flag I bear
Blade of the forefathers
Your destiny
it ends with me

Hatred fuels the fire
Flowing faster with each kill
Its wrath scorches with flame
And me from within it
I will never be the same
For my weakness it is slain
Death shall flourish in my wake
As tides ripple in vain

Witness the decay
Green turns to black
See with sightless eyes
you bones of my attack
The mortal wound is struck
Last living eyes grow dim
Now I stand surrounded
By the dust I ground from men

I stand laughing on my throne
Gripping blade as it grips me
Gazing across befallen land
For all the eye can see
Nothing has been spared
The kingdom, a smoking lair
Only I remain
And the blade I was born to bear

Blade of my father
The fore bearer was he
He hid the curse
Born the prophecy

To save his son
To save the world
Buried the sword in his chest
In hopes it would never find
The one it was meant to infest

Father, you can’t rend destiny
Your foolish dreams
I annihilate
All you had do was kill the boy
But you failed and now it’s too late
Last edited by merriman44 at Jun 4, 2011,
#4
that was pretty cool, im guessing musically (and somewhat lyrically) its not really my style but it was a nice read and i liked the "twist" at the end. i was anticipating some remorse over the blade taking control of you but the ending works as it is, definitely not what i was expecting

you checked out my song echoes, maybe youd wanna look at a newer one i posted, its a bit of a departure from my usual style
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1448158
#5
No kidding it was long haha, nevertheless, it was still good. As Briman007 said, the ending was a twist, which is nice.
#7
I did like the twist at the end too and I thought it wrapped everything up nicely. You have a great knack for rhythm. I can tell these lyrics will succeed with music because I can already feel their rhythm and vibe when I read them. A few suggestions though: it was an interesting story, but in my opinion it took too long to get there. I don't doubt that you can find places to make this more economical, to either combine two thoughts into one, or perhaps eliminate some lines altogether. Also, I would think about switching up your diction a little and bring in some imagery. A lot of the descriptions here all seem to blur together by the end and there's very little I was able to latch onto as far as a tangible image goes. Work on visualizing the narrative you have in your mind and guide it along with some discernable, stark images. That way, the reader can truly participate in the story you're telling. I really did like though. Thanks for looking at mine and be sure to keep writing my man.
here, My Dear, here it is
#8
Thanks Subway,
Something that has been bothering me is that I really wanted to get the imagery right with this one. Thats why it ended up so long. I am going to omit a stanza here and there for when the concept is overdone (mainly the beginning with "hatred"). Omitting the redundancies will hopefully streamline it and make the imagery more clear.

To be honest, I don't know how to make it more "illustrative" if you catch my drift. I know someone else could have done a better job, I'm just not sure how to guide the narrative.
Update: So I omitted the "hatred" began stanza and changed this one:
I stand laughing on my throne
Gripping blade as it grips me
Gazing across befallen land
For all the eye can see
Nothing has been spared
The kingdom, a smoking lair
Only I remain
And the blade I was born to bear

To this:
Laughter echoes an empty realm
as the blade collects its fee
Behold a fallen land
For the empty skulls to see
Nothing has been spared
The kingdom, a smoking lair
Only I remain
And the blade I was born to bear

Does the change in wording help the imagery at all? I've made progress over the last months with this but I'm still incredibly dull ha...

Double edit: I suppose that the "witness the decay" stanza is also redundant and can be cut out. Thoughts?
Last edited by merriman44 at Jun 8, 2011,
#9
a bit lengthy but good. i definately respect anyone who can rhyme. free verse is my thing
#10
Well, you're right - not really my style or subject matter, but since you were so nice to comment on mine I had to return the favor.
The further I read, the more I enjoyed your talent for rhythm. It was a treat to read - and the ending was brilliant.
#11
Blade of the forefathers
Crusher of souls
when the metal reaches skin
My will implodes

that part was my favorite really liked it
#12
Revised!

Shattering first morning light
Incandescent glare
Glinting as a diamond
Dripping blood, despair
Destruction of nations
Balanced on the hilt
awaiting the sacrifice
And myself, I bear the guilt

Annihilated the army
that was mine to lead
only I remain
Here among the slain
Upon my swift retreat
I fell upon the stone
One that bore the promise
I could save my land alone

Blade of the forefathers
Crusher of souls
when the metal reaches skin
My will implodes

casso priores
Read the manuscript
and I could feel the power
emanating from the grip
Having no alternative
uprooted blade from stone
blood began to boil
as I began to moan

I’ve been deceived
What have I sought?
Blade grips my hand
life matters not
Its will now my own
My master, my slave
Who needs a nation
When I bear the blade
I’ll destroy them all!
None can be saved!
I’ll destroy them all!
Its will I obey!

Blade of the forefathers
Crusher of souls
When the metal reaches skin
Your will implodes
There‘s no escape
Its flag I bear
Blade of the forefathers
Your destiny
it ends with me

I stand laughing on my throne
Gripping blade as it grips me
Gazing across befallen land
For all the eye can see
Nothing has been spared
The kingdom, a smoking lair
Only I remain
And the Blade I was born to bear

Blade of my father
The fore bearer was he
He hid the curse
Born the prophecy

To save his son
To save the world
Buried the sword in his chest
In hopes it would never find
The one it was meant to infest

Father, you can’t rend destiny
Your foolish dreams
I annihilate
All you had do was kill the boy
But you failed and now it’s too late
Last edited by merriman44 at Jun 16, 2011,