#1
This is a snippet of a song i wrote. its about suddenly finding yourself inexplicably alone, and its sort of a tribute to grunge. its not finished, but i just want to post the foundations of it for review:

Foxhole

Where the f*ck'd they go?
Im all alone in this dirty little hole
I cant see daylight
Just cant see an end to this f*cking night

Lose control
Scream the pain away in this dirty hole
What was that noise?
Cant close my eyes but i cant see nothin either

Please let me know what you think
Last edited by ShetlandPunk at Jun 4, 2011,
#2
Quote by ShetlandPunk
This is a snippet of a song i wrote. its about suddenly finding yourself inexplicably alone, and its sort of a tribute to grunge. its not finished, but i just want to post the foundations of it for review:

Foxhole

Where the f*ck'd they go?
Im all alone in this dirty little hole
I cant see daylight
Just cant see an end to this f*cking night

I feel the vulgarities are unnecessary, and they feel like a cheap way to sound edgy. Not to mention the fact that they're taking up space that could be put to much better use fleshing out this rather dull and generic stanza.

Lose control
Scream the pain away in this dirty hole
What was that noise?
Cant close my eyes but i cant see nothin either

There's nothing interesting here, though the lack of vulgar words is nice. I don't have much else to say here.

Please let me know what you think


Overall, this leaves a lot to be desired. You're not saying anything new or interesting and, more importantly, you're not saying it in a new or interesting way.

My best suggestion is to use more descriptive words and imagery. If you're going to use a familiar theme like this, you have to really make the listener feel the emotion behind it, and I'm just not feeling it here.