#1
these are my lyrics... Check it out.. some are unfinished. i am only 15 so not much experience to write about and i've only been writing for a couple months so go easy on me

this is about not caring about anything and being lazy, apathetic etc... basically a self criticism song, about how i am so lazy and how all my potential goes to waste. Thanks

I don’t know where I am going with this,
But I thought you’d like to know,
I haven’t a care in the world,
And I’m certain it shows.
An open book now closed,
Nectar within to remain unseen,
What good is a fire, with nothing to warm?
The river has gone dry,
And no longer do the flowers thrive,
My lover Apathy has finally arrived.
I think it’s coming back to me,
Or maybe I spoke to soon,
I don’t have a chance, that is certain,
Take me back to last June,
Where the flowers thrived,
And apathy had not yet arrived.

This one is a bit abstract... it's about getting lost in your subconscious.


Brain-dead, like a rag doll, he falls to the ground,
His pride shattered,
His body limp and cold.
Unable to comprehend the damage he has done,
He drifts in the abysmal, lifeless void of his subconscious,
And what a sight to be seen:
A sense of fate sets in as a swirling mist comes out from within,
And he sees the great divine, and the future of human kind,
He stumbles, tries to find his way.
And falters.
With his dwindling subconscious strength slowly depleting,
He awaits his end,
Only to be greeted by the great divine again,
This time, with a will to defend.
“Close your eyes,
Thy subconscious eyes,
And look within,
Thy subconscious heart,
And think, think with thy subconscious brain,
And transcend thy ignorance, never again.”


This one is about smoking weed and general consciousness expansion.

Where do you go, when you have nowhere else to go?
Come with me,
Take a journey into your mind.
What will you find?
Where do you think I am, with my eyes glowing and relaxed?
Where do you think I go as I gaze into the horizon?
Prepare to see,
Where I am, in my wonderland.
Skies bluer than blue, seem to go on and on and on
Nature resides in one, one fabric of love.
You will soon see life as I see,
Come take my hand,
If I am Alice, than this is my wonderland.
Poor Sprint, alone in his head.
Wandering around, spiritually dead.
Then came the man, with ruby red eyes,
"Come with me, fly higher than the skies"
I am Alice, and welcome to wonderland.


this one is a concept about some person who thinks he is hot shit, when he is really nothing in the grand scheme of things. the girl represents innocence i suppose. idk


She’s attractive, as they say on Earth,
I guess so
Says the puppet for the dead,
See the puppet, in all his so-called glory,
Oh, my, what a life the puppet has,
Until we show our face, I might add
Because the puppet is dead,
The puppet of the dead,
I think I’ve taken a liking to her, as they say in the land of the dead,
If only, If only,
See her as she strives,
How majestic,
If only, if only,
The puppet had not sealed her fate,
The puppet of the dead.
Now, Mr. Puppet, Now how do you feel?
I can assure you, I do not take kindly to your arrogance,
See how the puppet falls,
He drowns in his own selfishness,
A teardrop dripping down her face,
She merely stares, still as beautiful as ever,
And only one word comes from her mouth,
“Why?”

this one is about me wanting a girl i can connect with... with some cool imagery on the side.

Celestial wonders of empyrean sublime,
Caressing the stars, great beauty divine,
And I plead that in time,
I may find a mistress who shares these desires of mine.
A girl like that would blow my mind.
Abstract hues of blue and green,
Above Earth’s oceanic domain serene,
Transcend the skies above,
And return, what a sight to be seen.
Send me a woman that shares these visions of mine.
Last edited by Tame Impala at Jun 5, 2011,
#3
Quote by Tame Impala
these are my lyrics... Check it out.. some are unfinished. i am only 15 so not much experience to write about and i've only been writing for a couple months so go easy on me

this is about not caring about anything and being lazy, apathetic etc... basically a self criticism song, about how i am so lazy and how all my potential goes to waste. Thanks

I don’t know where I am going with this,
But I thought you’d like to know,
I haven’t a care in the world,
And I’m certain it shows.
An open book now closed,
Nectar within to remain unseen,
What good is a fire, with nothing to warm?
The river has gone dry,
And no longer do the flowers thrive,
My lover Apathy has finally arrived.
I think it’s coming back to me,
Or maybe I spoke to soon,
I don’t have a chance, that is certain,
Take me back to last June,
Where the flowers thrived,
And apathy had not yet arrived.

I always thought songs/pieces about apathy were ironic because one with true apathy wouldn't care enough to write about it. Anyway, this wasn't bad. Some nice imagery and an interesting rhyming pattern, though the use of flowers is a bit cliche. I would suggest using the fire line and running with that rather than the flowers.

This one is a bit abstract... it's about getting lost in your subconscious.


Brain-dead, like a rag doll, he falls to the ground,
His pride shattered,
His body limp and cold.
Unable to comprehend the damage he has done,
He drifts in the abysmal, lifeless void of his subconscious,
And what a sight to be seen:
A sense of fate sets in as a swirling mist comes out from within,
And he sees the great divine, and the future of human kind,
He stumbles, tries to find his way.
And falters.
With his dwindling subconscious strength slowly depleting,
He awaits his end,
Only to be greeted by the great divine again,
This time, with a will to defend.
“Close your eyes,
Thy subconscious eyes,
And look within,
Thy subconscious heart,
And think, think with thy subconscious brain,
And transcend thy ignorance, never again.”

This started off strong, but I lost interest within the last six or eight lines with the whole 'great divine' thing. There's something here, but it needs to be refined.

This one is about smoking weed and general consciousness expansion.

Where do you go, when you have nowhere else to go?
Come with me,
Take a journey into your mind.
What will you find?
Where do you think I am, with my eyes glowing and relaxed?
Where do you think I go as I gaze into the horizon?
Prepare to see,
Where I am, in my wonderland.
Skies bluer than blue, seem to go on and on and on
Nature resides in one, one fabric of love.
You will soon see life as I see,
Come take my hand,
If I am Alice, than this is my wonderland.
Poor Sprint, alone in his head.
Wandering around, spiritually dead.
Then came the man, with ruby red eyes,
"Come with me, fly higher than the skies"
I am Alice, and welcome to wonderland.

The Alice in Wonderland reference is so used up in drug pieces that it renders this completely unoriginal and uninteresting.

this one is a concept about some person who thinks he is hot shit, when he is really nothing in the grand scheme of things. the girl represents innocence i suppose. idk


She’s attractive, as they say on Earth,
I guess so
Says the puppet for the dead,
See the puppet, in all his so-called glory,
Oh, my, what a life the puppet has,
Until we show our face, I might add
Because the puppet is dead,
The puppet of the dead,
I think I’ve taken a liking to her, as they say in the land of the dead,
If only, If only,
See her as she strives,
How majestic,
If only, if only,
The puppet had not sealed her fate,
The puppet of the dead.
Now, Mr. Puppet, Now how do you feel?
I can assure you, I do not take kindly to your arrogance,
See how the puppet falls,
He drowns in his own selfishness,
A teardrop dripping down her face,
She merely stares, still as beautiful as ever,
And only one word comes from her mouth,
“Why?”

Kind of interesting, but you rambled on a bit with the puppet thing. The last three lines were really nice though.

this one is about me wanting a girl i can connect with... with some cool imagery on the side.

Celestial wonders of empyrean sublime,
Caressing the stars, great beauty divine,
And I plead that in time,
I may find a mistress who shares these desires of mine.
A girl like that would blow my mind.
Abstract hues of blue and green,
Above Earth’s oceanic domain serene,
Transcend the skies above,
And return, what a sight to be seen.
Send me a woman that shares these visions of mine.

I don't like that you dropped the rhyme scheme towards the end, but there is some very nice imagery here.


You're pretty good for a kid just starting to write. I was definitely nowhere near as good when I started.

You've got a great sense of mood (if not grandeur ) and you've got a distinct style that you carry through each piece regardless of subject matter. I almost get a Renaissance sort of feel from your style because of the tone you use, which is rather unique.

You do need to work on a few things: line breaks, line breaks, line breaks. Nothing is more frustrating than reading a longish piece with no line breaks. Line breaks help slow the piece down and give it a better flow. They also help separate ideas within a piece. Did I say line breaks enough? No, I didn't. Line breaks.

Second, stray away from cliches as much as humanly possible. Nothing kills a good piece like a cliche thrown in the middle of it.

Third, choose your words more carefully. You seem to ramble a bit in your pieces, and it hinders the flow. While stream of consciousness is a legitimate form of poetry, it can get cluttered if you don't smooth it out a bit. In the words of every writer who ever critiqued another writer's work: Say more in less words.

Aaaaanyway, I'm interested to see where your work goes from here. It's always cool to watch a new writer grow and evolve. I hope to see your work improve. Ciao.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Jun 7, 2011,
#4


I don’t know where I am going with this,
But I thought you’d like to know,
I haven’t a care in the world,
And I’m certain it shows.
An open book now closed,
Nectar within to remain unseen,
What good is a fire, with nothing to warm?
The river has gone dry,
And no longer do the flowers thrive,
My lover Apathy has finally arrived.
I think it’s coming back to me,
Or maybe I spoke to soon,
I don’t have a chance, that is certain,
Take me back to last June,
Where the flowers thrived,
And apathy had not yet arrived.


I rather like this one...a bit of an oxymoron for sure - but that's kind of why I like it.


Happiness
Last edited by leilalauren at Jun 7, 2011,