#1
go easy on me haha this is my first real song:

never really knew her til she came my way
yet even then i had nothing much to say

dont know what makes me feel this way
everythings clouded, like im in some haze

and im driftin down this corridor
see her cryin, runnin for the door

in need of help but won't take charity
doesn't wanna be there, just wants to leave.

well she's been livin a double life
been tossed around since the age of five, yeah
she told me i had no idea what it was like
told me i could never make it right.

cause shes broken inside
nothing left but her heart and her mind
the past is done over and packed away
but the memories are here to stay

said hey girl don't run away
i'd never hurt you, never leave your side
cause youre beautiful in every way
even though i know you'll never be mine.
---▲===
Pink Floyd
#2
Capitalize and use grammar, it is just easier to read.

Though the cloud metaphor is clever, it feels force and is just awkward when you break the rhyme scheme with haze. Something also bothers me about the line "doesn't wanna be there, just wants to leave." It doesn't flow right, it's stumbles a bit.

I think the major flaw is the rhythm/flow and an occasional strange use of words. "The past is done over" seems odd to me, maybe it's just some slang that I've never heard.

When I sing it aloud, it works for the most part. Sounds good in a country style, if that's what you were planning on doing. Needs work but has good potential.

Read mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=27355601#post27355601
Quote by Athabasca
My ex did the same. Cheated on me and then acted like I'd given her sister a facial. Women are retarded.