#1
Lyrics. Very rough, structure is not completely sorted and it's incomplete. My first "sung" song (I've written a rap before ) Here it is.

You chased after me,
Like the fox and the hare.
You loved the thought of "we",
But my heart wasn't there.

Weren't under the moon,
But the flashing lights.
Engulfed in your swoon,
It wasn't right.

You leaned close to me,
Your face close to mine.
Wanting what you see,
Our breath entwined.

Now you got that feeling,
That feeling of hope.
My love is ever fleeting,
God throw me some rope. (probably gonna scrap that)

By the pigment of my skin,
The fragments of my soul.
My hope is wearing thin,
So let it gooooooo.

And with my affection,
Comes hollow attention.
My embrace untrue,
done with you.

Why can't you see,
You simply captured me.
With the rage of a tiger,
I put out our fire.

I took it from you,
I stole your heart.
Unsure what to do,
I ripped it apart.

Sorry for making you read that.
Quote by Athabasca
My ex did the same. Cheated on me and then acted like I'd given her sister a facial. Women are retarded.
#2
Listen dawg, it sounds as if you don´t like the lyrics yourself. If you don´t like your own lyrics I suggest write and publicly show it when you think its good enough to be heard/read by others.
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#3
There are just certain parts that are iffy to me. I just don't know if they are good or not, hence why I came here.
Quote by Athabasca
My ex did the same. Cheated on me and then acted like I'd given her sister a facial. Women are retarded.
#4
i think it's good, doesn't look incomplete to me, and don't scrap that throw me some rope line, it fits the song.
however you may want to change some of the lines between the stanzas to fit more, if the lines had more continuety, it would be really good
but ehh, thats just me
#5
In that case, it sounds nice, flows nice even tho i have trouble judging that without some rythm, instrumental song to back it up. The lyrics are for a first timer quite good, now i know i am not the Paul Simon of UG but they could be a bit less forced to rhyme. But all in good time! As i said for a first lyrics this a good start.
Quote by Holy Katana
Your last job only paid you $7.00 AUD an hour? That's like $6.05 in the US. What the hell is the minimum wage over there?


Quote by titsmcgee852
$0 for volunteer work

ollollolollol


^
#6
Thank you people. I'm considering changing "With the rage of a tiger, I put out our fire" to something else.

Here's the track that I am using. Vocals aren't on it, but it's one line per bar, pretty standard stuff.
Attachments:
Rough.gp5
Quote by Athabasca
My ex did the same. Cheated on me and then acted like I'd given her sister a facial. Women are retarded.
#7
i think its good. though the rhymes sound abit forced. try adding in alittle bit of subtle words in place of a few rhymes to make it flow alittle better. good lyrics otherwise.
rise against fan

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#9
Which rhymes seem forced?
Quote by Athabasca
My ex did the same. Cheated on me and then acted like I'd given her sister a facial. Women are retarded.
#10
The rhyming is a little strange in parts, because you are writing like you mean to have a constant rhyme scheme, and then you put something that doesn't rhyme in. And you used a lot of diagonal rhymes, I don't know if that's intentional or not, but sometimes it seems like if you aren't going to rhyme it don't try to sacrifice the story for a half rhyme.

And You rhymed me with see twice.

But overall I did enjoy it