#1
Alright, so I'm a new to these parts and i just recently wrote my first song. I have no past experience in it and i do like what I've come up with but can't help that it either needs tweaking or I'm just being overly too proud of something that might not actually be good, so I need a second opinion from you guys. If you have the time may you please give me feedback on what you like, what you don't like and any suggestions you'd have on changing lyrics or maybe structure.

The song has a back story and it was inspired by a 'friend' of mine who is arrogant, ignorant and obnoxious. It's about trying to convince somebody to change there ways before they lose everything they have and care about. Get back to me soon.


Just stop this façade
Or is this the true you?
Betrayed all those around you
Now your colours show through

Now they've had enough
Won't take this anymore
You're the one that they speak of
That'll get what they deserve

Just open up your eyes
This attitude's no virtue
Nobody's perfect
Best shown by you
So until you can realise
That You're no Jesus Christ
You are no friend of mine

Do you feel sublime?
When you're using your friends
Just don't take them for granted
Soon they'll see through you

Don't assume they don't know
They are very much aware
Just watch your words
Or you'll get what you deserve

Just open up your eyes
This attitude's no virtue
Nobody's perfect
Best shown by you
So until you can realise
That You're no Jesus Christ
You are no friend of mine

On your platform up high
You're only two steps shy
From your fall from grace
Take heed to my advice
Or lose it all tonight

Just open up your eyes
This attitude's no virtue
Nobody's perfect
Best shown by you
So until you can realise
That You're no Jesus Christ
You are no friend of mine

Now you've opened your eyes up
But The damage is done
Now you've been abandoned
By those that you'd known
You're too late to realise
You were no Jesus Christ
So now you're no friend of mine
Last edited by TourSir92 at Jun 6, 2011,
#2
Couple of things to change (in my opinion):

"Won't take this more" to "Won't take this anymore"

"They are much aware" to "They are very much aware"

And I don't like the Jesus Christ metaphor. It ruins the flow and is cliche and unoriginal. They're pretty good, flow well and the rhymes work for the most part.
Quote by Athabasca
My ex did the same. Cheated on me and then acted like I'd given her sister a facial. Women are retarded.
#3
Ah..Thanks for that first change you suggested, that was actually supposed to say 'anymore' :L And thanks for the second one too, it fits better

In your opinion on the Jesus Christ metaphor, what would you suggest it be changed to? Nothing specific just along the lines of