#1
Zenith

Break all Containments; Zenith realized.


Release the Vultures.
They will feast.
Who knows?
How could anyone know?

See the monsters?
They are there, but they aren't real.
Check yourself.
Home is closer than you know.


Invert the Face:
Smash and tear. Smear it into the Night.
Pull it apart until there's nothing left.
Let it be heard.
Now,
Begin anew.

To understand the darkness.
Behold it through and through.
The waking Siren's calls might beckon
You to certain doom.

They are coming.
They are coming.

Forgive.
Forget.
"Hey kid. You wanna cigarette?"


"No thanks! I/m already hooked on Fonicks!"

#2
Quote by Panasonic3
Zenith

Break all Containments; Zenith realized.

Interesting opening line. I like that it sets an abstract feeling rather than a specific tone or setting.


Release the Vultures.
They will feast.
Who knows?
How could anyone know?

I like the first two lines, but the second two seem irrelevant and random. I dig randomness, but not when there's no underlying connection to warrant it; I mean, nothing within the first three lines sets up such vague questions, so they just feel like filler.

See the monsters?
They are there, but they aren't real.
Check yourself.
Home is closer than you know.

The second line could use rephrasing to sound more interesting. The third line feels way out of place; again, try to say the same thing in a more interesting way. The last line is fine.

Invert the Face:
Smash and tear. Smear it into the Night.
Pull it apart until there's nothing left.
Let it be heard.
Now,
Begin anew.

This is a very interesting stanza, and it feels more in the spirit of the beginning of the piece.

To understand the darkness.
Behold it through and through.
The waking Siren's calls might beckon
You to certain doom.

I don't like the random half-rhyme here (second and fourth lines). Even if it was unintentional, I suggest changing it, as it throws off the feel of the piece. Otherwise, I like this stanza.

They are coming.
They are coming.

Nice repetition, and that vague tone from the beginning of the piece is carried well here.

Forgive.
Forget.

I honestly loathe the last two lines. They're far too cliche, and I don't see any relation to the rest of the piece.


Overall this was an interesting piece, but could be much more so if you carried the same sort of feel throughout it and didn't jump around so much in subject. I enjoyed it.

EDIT: After looking at your profile, I'm guessing this is metal. If that's the case, it works as is except for the last two lines.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Jun 7, 2011,
#3
i'm going to guess this is some sort of heavy metal song

it has a good flow to it, especiely the longer verses, however i feel that the other stanzas are missing something, mainly "they are coming | they are coming". two more lines after this one on the same subject would work for me on that

i don't like the last lines much after, maybe "repent | too late" or something on the lines of that

but overall quite good